We know things… things told to us in a dream by the stars and the planets and by stalking you on Twitter and hacking your Facebook account. ?These insights help us determine exactly what’s going to happen to you this week.
Unless you’ve changed your password again, in which case these may be entirely made up by our resident drunk and expert in things, ?Joanna Bolouri
It’s time for some horoscoping.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)
With the stars determining your fate, expect to be?publicly?humiliated when you soil yourself at the X-Factor?boot camp?while singing Adele. Jupiter says you’ll get a flogging for such an unoriginal song choice too. Them’s the breaks.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
Billy Joel may love you ‘ just the way you are‘ but no-one else does. Start with the chin hair. No one wants to shag a Sasquatch, missy.
Gemini (May 22 – Jun 22)
A friend tweets you a naked picture of Gavin Henson and your eyeballs fall out in disgust. Your life is ruined.
Cancer (Jun 23- Jul 23)
Good things happen to good people. ?LOL jk, you get savagely beaten in public by a chugger.
Leo (Jul 24 – ?Aug 23)
It’s a little known fact that those born under the sign of Leo have exceptionally long labia.?Even the men. ?Embrace this knowledge.
Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23)
You feel that someone you love is ignoring you so you burn down their house while they’re at work. Turns out they were just busy.
Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)
That woman you fancy has just become single again. Wait until after the funeral to ask her out though.
Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Your friends love you for your style and sense of humour. Don’t take that as a compliment however, your friends are morons.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
That escort service was worth every penny eh?
Capricorn ( Dec 22 – Jan 20)
The time has come to move out of your parent’s house. Seriously. They asked us to tell you to get the hell out.
Aquarius ( Jan 21 – Feb 19)
You meet the man of your dreams and his beautiful wife. It isn’t remotely ironic.
Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
Telling someone you dislike them is difficult, so just make a?passively?aggressive comment on Tumblr and hope they catch on.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!
Thirteen says
These horoscopes are the highlight of my week! I am not being sarcastic.
JoeMomma says
Are you a Leo? If so call me. 1-212-555-4332.
horoscopes says
ha ha ha ha ha,,,,Funny but true….I don’t think this is true for may zodiac never encounter those things this past few weeks.horoscopes