This week we’ve been drunkenly staring upwards at those star things for days on end, wishing we’d done our final year at University instead of ?ditching it in favour of being Russell Grant’s apprentice and gathering information about your equally worthless lives for a cheap laugh.
Yes, it’s hecklerspray horoscopes time.
Prepare to be insulted amazed.
Aries (Mar 21-April 20)
Today you are so bored you weigh your own breasts. ?Perhaps using the vegetable scales in Tesco wasn’t the best idea.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Ladies born under the sign of Taurus are never blessed with amazing bodies or?symmetrical?faces but their high sex drive and giant boobs more than compensate. Now to get someone to sleep with you wonky.
Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)
We know you made that kitten cry and we’ve posted your address on Facebook. This is going to be the worst week of your life.
Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)
You pay ?25 to go and see Bruno Mars in concert. ?The Universe is now plotting your demise.
Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)
You finally convince that guy you fancy to sleep with you. Suddenly being in prison doesn’t seem so bad.
Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)
You really wish you lived next door to a sexy vampire don’t you? Well you don’t. Grow up.
Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)
With Halloween approaching, the fact that you look like Rocky Dennis suddenly has it’s merits.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)
You’re convinced your wife is cheating on you. She’s cold, seems distant and won’t answer you when you speak to her. The good news is, she isn’t! The bad news is she’s been dead for several weeks.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)
You’ve got 99 problems but the inability to wank?furiously?over naked pictures of Scarlet Johansson ain’t one.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)
Work is boring this week until you spot an Aries in the vegetable isle.
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)
People love you! Adore you. Well, your mum does anyway. Oh wait. No. She doesn’t either.
Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)
Twitter proves useful for the first time when you have amazing phone sex with a really hot woman and you don’t even have to call ?a premium rate number. ?Get you.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!
C. F. says
In your Horoscope thing, under Libra, you write “…suddenly has it’s merits.”
I’ll have you know that “it’s” is a contraction, meaning “it is”. The possessive pronoun you need is “its”, without the apostrophe. Okay? You were so busy perfecting your smug and smarmy attitude all these years that you skipped Basic Grammar, didn’t you.
Also, the promised Demi Moore breast shot is incredibly disappointing. Are you kidding us? What a waste of a mouse click.
Thank you and keep the sometimes-amusing sophomoric rants coming please,
C. F.
(all in good sport… I’m not really serious, you know… actually IT’S a job application.. I want to be one of your writers)
Sarah says
I’m less annoying than that guy. Can I have a job?
Kris Silver says
Me too, I want a job!
Joanna says
‘didn’t you’ should have a question mark at the end and basic grammar doesn’t need capitals unless it’s the title of your next fantastic blog post, read by someone who isn’t me.
I’m just glad someone checks my Basic Grammar, even if it isn’t the actual editor….
d says
I didn’t get the “cheap laugh” you promised for reading this. Please hire one of the above people.