Pop is short for popular and songs which are legally purchased are arbitrarily complied in a big list to see who comes out on top.
Musos snort at girl groups doing a dance routine and singing irresistibly catchy melodies. Amazingly, grunge bands from Dagenham who only burn five hundred copies on CDR will never be too popular, yet apparently, more ‘real’.
Of course, Smash Hits was a pop music bible for the latest reviews, gossip and poster to ruin your bedroom wallpaper with. Now defunct, the best alternative can be found at Pop Justice. Like every other publication, the magazine held an annual awards ceremony. Roughly nine years ago, upcoming bands were rewarded for their musical efforts, but where are they now? Well, let's put on our detective caps with our select pickings from the winners.
Best Single: Atomic Kitten ? Whole Again
Atomic Kitten didn't have any real charm or sophistication when they were busy dominating the charts. The Spice Girls were promoted as a feisty five piece whilst All Saints had a cool edge about then. At best, Atomic Kitten appeared to be hurriedly thrown together after an A&R man saw three drunk woman singing karaoke style whilst digging in to a bag of chips.
Since they split, the most high profile member has been Kerry Katona. She did reach a stage of being rock bottom and had to resort to that jungle program to reclaim popularity. After sucking that dry, she had some kids, did some drugs, married some bloke, made an MTV show, did a little cry and got fired from Iceland. Elsewhere, Jenny Frost from Atomic Kitten hosts Snog Marry Avoid. This is a bewildering show where people in 14 inches of makeup are politely told they look like shit.
Best Band ? Westlife
What do you owe Westlife? Quite frankly, just about everything. After formulating the groove for trip hop, they pushed the boundary further when ditching the traditional 4/4 signature time format in electronica in order to create an explosion of 16/7 crazyness for the breakcore genre. Phew, we're glad for research tools like Wikipedia, otherwise we?d be completely stumped for material to write in this section.
Best Album: Westlife ? World Of Our Own
Of course we know who Westlife are! Do you like ballads? Well then this is the album for you. Track after track is full of soft male vocals that slowly soar into a wave of orchestral bliss. It's great to see that this is the same safe format that they have continued for a further nine years. Overseen by Louis ‘You Remind Me Of A Little Lenny Henry’ Walsh, he might have bugger all luck in X-Factor, but he?ll have raked in a fortune from the band. Brian McFadden probably regrets leaving.
Best Newcomer ? Blue
Regular readers of hecklerspray will know that Blue are our favourite pop group. We've had a couple of run-ins with one member in particular. Lee Ryan has called us all sorts of words that left us incredibly upset. We’ve spent weeks crying over his barbed insults.
After he foul mouthed a young bipolar lady, users of Twitter decided to do the same to him, subsequently making him a trending topic. All the members have bombed in solo attempts and now rumoured to be getting back together. In his own dyslexic words, Lee Ryan is a toatl cnut bsaket.
Best Live Act ? Steps
Who needs instruments when you gave dance moves that have been rehearsed roughly one week before gigs? Smash Hit fans clearly loved this blend of camp pop and cover versions. Steps could have been any other pop band as at the time, the fashion and personalities of the group didn't shine through. Probably why most of them have been forced to do reality TV and panto and put loads of weight on.
Best R&B ? S Club 7
No, we have no idea how they got this award either.
So what have we learned? Well, nothing. Bands go in and out of fashion all the time and awards ceremonies are ultimately useless things that only serve to let sad writers like us hang around with famous people for an evening, in the hope that some of their magic rubs off on us.
Sadly, all that rubs off is a feeling of our collective failings as humans. We’re off to have a little cry over that Blue song that sings about Mother’s Pride bread…
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Michael Park says
Matthew Laidlow, Blue r 1 ov da mozt imaginitive bandz in hiztory and lee rayn is a god. u dnt no wht ur tokin abt!!!!
No, seriously though. Good article.