Poor ol ‘Jesus. He tried to set up a cool hippie commune where everyone loved their brother and sister and, well, the mentals got a hold of it and started a bunch of wars, sided with war criminals, got gays beaten up and raped children.
Great. Just what Jesus Christ had in mind, right?
As further proof that Jesus attracts more idiots than hecklerspray, we’ve decided to compile some of the most awful records made in tribute to him. We bet Jeezis really, really despises mankind. Especially that Westboro Baptist lot. So click over to see some of the most preposterously awful ditties ever made in the name of Some People’s Lord.
Before we get going, it really is worth pointing out that all Jesus songs aren’t lamer than hell. In fact, Jesus has some really, really cool songs. So if you’ve got Spotify, click this link to listen to some ace Jesus tunes!
Sadly though, the majority of Jesus songs stink to high heaven. Especially Church of England hymns. Sheeyit. They’re the pits.
Anyway, the pits are usually when Christians try and get contemporary. Here lies the most heinous of music crimes. And so, we’ve chosen our worst five… but we encourage you to add links to your own in the comments.
Happy Easter and all that shit.
Sonseed
Did Jesus like reggae? He probably loved it. However, he invariably wished that the Romans had crucified his ears when he heard Sonseed tackling the fine genre. It makes UB40 look black.
DC Talk
There are way too many lowlights/highlights in this video to mention here. Simply watch this all the way through and keep reminding yourself that it isn’t a parody. And honestly, it isn’t. These guys mean every single stinkin’ word they say.
The Singing Nun/Soeur Sourire
This rascal is a disco remake of Belgian Jeannine Deckers’ smash hit 1963, Dominique. It’s a Eurotrash classic. And you’ll never see a more awkward promotional video today. Unless you actively seek? one out, which makes you an obtuse idiot. We love you for it.
Christian Side Hug
This became something of a meme not too long ago, but always worth revisiting. We strongly suspect the whole glory of God didn’t envision this when he invented mankind.
The Priests
These chaps could have easily been invented by Arthur Mathews and Graham Linehan. In fact, when these appeared, you could argue that they had an excellent case for being able to claim 100% of their royalties. Jesus definitely hates these guys. He should come back to Earth and take it out on a market again.
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SG says
What is the deal putting Jesus as your laugh factor, what type of person would even go there at all ! well obvisouly someone has poor judgement in humor and cant think of something thats funny, so there next best thing is to ridicule Jesus Christ, the one that shed his blodd to take away all our sins! Hey man great job.. GROW UP
gilbert wham says
I’m calling Poe’s law on this; convincing troll is too convincing.
Anyway, even if you did mean it, you’re shit out of luck here, pal. If one wanted to shriek to others about how their Idol has been maligned, may I suggest hammering crayons up the nostrils until you forget how to spell, then buying some Michael Jackson albums? You’ll fit right in.