If you read the title of this blog and thought “Who the fuck is Hailey Baldwin?” you are asking the right question, because in the words of my drunk mom at Martini Bar when some young hussy strolls by: “Who is this nobody?”
Hailey Baldwin is legit only famous for being bff with Kendall Jenner and briefly riding on Justin Bieber, which apparently qualifies her to be named Maxim’s hottest woman of the year. If I’d known it was so easy to win the title I really would have campaigned more.
I won’t lie, this blog is going to be more disgruntled than it needs to be because I’m legit Googling “Has hating their dog so much ever driven anyone to suicide?” because I’m having THAT kind of day and apparently Hailey Baldwin is on the receiving end of my bitterness atm.
Hailey Baldwin is one of those daughters of a kind of famous guy (one of Alec’s lesser known brothers to be exact) who’s dad bought them fake lips and a modeling career even though they’re pretty much mediocre across the board. She’s basically a poor man’s Gigi Hadid, so naming her hottest woman over the year is random as fuck.
When I was in Florida I passed a big GUESS billboard with Hailey Baldwin on it and was like “How the fuck is this bitch on a billboard?” The real question I should be asking is “Why the fuck do I know who this bitch is?”
I mean, if Maxim had named one of the Jenner or Hadid sisters hottest woman of the year I would’ve been like “Yeah, sure, whatever, I get it, they’re crazy popular right now” but Hailey Baldwin is like BARELY Instagram famous.
Like I’ve mentioned, Hailey Baldwin was just one of those little rich girls who was maybe like a 6 out of 10 on a hotness scale, but then took her dad’s credit card to up herself to an 8. See Fig. 1:
And don’t get me wrong, Kendall Jenner, Kylie Jenner, and Bella Hadid all did the same, but somehow they’ve gotten more famous and I care about them way more for some fucking reason. And I don’t even feel weird about that because legit the whole world agrees with me which is why Hailey only has a kind of career.
So how the fuck is she Maxim’s hottest woman of the year?
Consider this theory (I’m full of theories): Whoever it is that makes the final decision for Maxim’s hottest woman of the year gets bored of all these generic hot bitches and every couple of years will throw in a random upset to take the title. Kind of like when “Crash” won Best Picture at the Oscars, you know? Like back in 2013 when Miley Cyrus was at her most ratchet and least sexy and genuinely reminded me of mouth herpes, they named her ass hottest woman of the year! LEGIT:
So maybe that’s what’s going on this year? Because that’s the only thing that makes any fucking sense to me.
SPEAKING OF THEORIES! Have those of you who follow my blog seen THIS recent meme floating around the internet:
UMMMM, EXCUSE YOU, BUT WHO DO I SUE ABOUT THIS? New theory? I have been saying this for YEARS and now someone steals my shit and makes a MEME over it? It is honestly like I am never meant to feel joy. But like I just told my friend Melissa, maybe joy is like Mariah Carey’s 2014 album: The Elusive Chanteuse.