Introducing the first of our new squadron of guest-bloggers, Jamie Ross from the utterly wonderful cancerouscapers.blogspot.com…

There are many things to admire about Jordan. After all, it can’t be easy looking after such massive tits – especially when one of them is Peter Andre.

This is why that, when Jordan speaks, literally everyone in the world listens. Barack Obama’s inauguration held little significance for Jordan as she encounters frenzied crowds of millions almost everywhere she goes, chanting her name and hanging on to her every utterance.

With such responsibility, Jordan takes meticulous care of what message she spreads and only releases carefully thought-out statements of peace, love and understanding to her fellow man. It is for this exact reason that Jordan has called for all sex offenders to be raped up the bum, and about ruddy time too!

“The way I see it is an eye for an eye. So if someone rapes a girl he should be bent over and the same thing done to him. I’m sorry that’s just the way I feel. I’m very strict.”

It can only be assumed that, in Jordan’s vast and powerful mind, ‘very strict’ means ‘a titting moron’. It’s not so much ‘an eye for an eye’ as ‘a massive sex crime for a massive sex crime’, but there is little doubt that the church will be thrilled that a biblical quote has been used to promote this wholesome message. A one hundred percent increase in rape will surely mend Broken Britain.

There is, however, one flaw in her otherwise Utopian manifesto. If all rapists are to be raped by someone themselves, where does the chain end? Upon committing a sex crime, will the guilty man have to join in a seven mile-long conga-line of copulating men? Or will Her Majesty seek out secret agents, licensed to bum? Only one woman holds the answer.

This is surely only the beginning of a soaring career in politics for Jordan, and we can barely wait for the next breathtaking piece of legislation in her campaign for ironic justice. But sadly, for now, a world where arsonists are burned at the stake and graffitists get ‘fanny’ tattooed on their filthy criminal faces remains a distant dream.

You can have your sodding Barack Obama, America; perhaps one day you’ll produce as insightful a visionary as our big-titted messiah.

If you like this entry, be sure to check out Jamie’s blog at cancerouscapers.blogspot.com. It’s really rather good, you know.

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