Listen up losers, there’s something you need to know. It won’t help you find a girl/boy/dogfriend, you pathetic sacks of rotting fat molecules. And it won’t get you more money to spend on any more useless gifts for your loved ones; those loved ones who only keep you around until the end of the year so they can get a present from you.
And it certainly won’t make you feel any younger. You’ll still creek like a damp-sodden sideboard half hanging out of a skip each morning and night.
But you can rejoice a little bit, before going back to your worthless lives, because Grand Theft Auto 3 is soon to be available for iOS 5. For those of you don’t know, that’s what us rich people call the operating system on their iPhones and iPads. GTA3 HD, which it will probably be called, is also available on Android. But the less said about that the better.
Although it might seem that everyone and their step-children are talking about Grand Theft Auto 5, and theorising over the most minute specks of information, gleaned from a rather short, nondescript trailer. Much like those insufferable Potterphiles. Or the unemployed obese who managed to stick with Lost beyond Season Two.
GTA3 is still, and will be, a valiant attempt at making sure kids know the best angle to hold a gun at when you’re doing a drive by. Between rioting, of course.
The gameplay is reportedly the same as the release ten whole years ago, that’s a decade in old money, but from sneaky videos made when Rockstar debuted the game at this year’s Comic-Con, you can see the graphics have been up-tweaked slightly. Think of it like the group performances on X Factor; everything has been modified slightly. For the better.
There’s no release date set but that’s what makes it interesting. Some people think that it is imminent, whereas some think that it’ll be out for the holidays, cynically. There also isn’t a definite pricing structure established, so could try harder Rockstar, C+.
One thing that we think might cause us to propel our iPads across the room, like a very expensive frisbee, is the potential fiddly-diddly controls. iOS developers have always struggled to find the best way of placing buttons so you don’t find yourself walking into the area covered by your thumbs as you chase prostitutes, or that guy who looked at you funny.
So although there’s not much concrete information for us to give you, we’ll probably keep you updated with new developments. And if we don’t, console yourself with the thought that we’ve probably just found something better to do. Like watch a particularly gripping episode of ‘Doctors’ or setting half an hour aside for a good poo.
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Jimmy Higgins says
You should proofread your work if you’re going to be snarky.
Derooftrouser says
My phone has slide-out Playstation controls. I am, in a very real sense, the man.
Enjoy your poo. Don’t get distracted by Twitter or your legs will go to sleep.
Crackhead says
Hey, asshole! I think your spell check is turned off.
Aug says
Robin you got carried away ranting your opinion. I’m now 25 and I barley play video games anymore. Maybe a few hours a week. I’ve been playing the gta series since I was a kid. I’m fine. I pay bills, live on my own and vote. Every time Rockstar releases another gta game I preorder the best edition of the game. Being the huge fan I am I was stoked gta 3 was coming out for cell phones ANDROID and ios.( Btw I’ve noticed so many articles never saying shit about it coming to android. Retarded.) I’ve played gta 3 every now and then throughout the years. So I’m sorry if you play some lame ass games with no replay value. Gta3 has eons of replay value. Plus this release is supposed to have better everything, compared to the first version. Polished controls, mechanics, graphics why are you hating so hard? I’m even buying a Gta 3 Tenth anniversary shirt. Rockstar doesn’t even need money so I sure the game won’t be expensive. Their downloadable content never is. Sorry if Rockstar loves doing something nice for their fans. I cannot wait to be playing gta 3 on a fucking mobile device on my iPhone! To me that sounds insane. Plus its going yo be even better…Robin can’t you just appreciate the advances in technology. It’s just a video game, you don’t think you’re overreacting? Plus your writing is cheesy. Is that some shock value? Don’t get me wrong I am an awful writer. Anyways when I do get the game I’m goin to pretend the female pedestrians are your cunty ass. Thanks for the biased mess.
hecklerspray says
Thanks for the input there, Mr Houser.
Robin Darke says
I’ve heard from a paramedic friend of mine that Twitter Toilet Time has resulted in more leg amputations than diabetes and extra long X Factor shows combined.
Astonishing, right?