OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD! CAN’T BREATHE! CAN’T BREATHE! AAAARGH! SCREEEEAM! AAAAARGH! AAAAAARGH! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD! AAAAARGH!
That’s right you howling British Bieberphiles! Your favourite little amniotic popstar is coming to tour the UK!
After selling out shows all over Americaland, he’s now turning his attention to Europe and in the UK, such is the excitement over his impending arrival, the streets will be covered in a thick sludge thanks to the arousal of millions of young women*.
Yes indeed, the cult of Bieber will be rolling into the UK to perform his songs and reduce this noble collection of countries to the sound of a train braking hard on the rails.
Constantly.
With increasing volume.
His arrival will see the whole of the UK turning into something akin to Dawn of the Dead meets Invasion of the Bodysnatchers, will our younglings flinging off the shackles of normal life to spend every waking second of Bieber’s tour in a state of zombified lust, charging headlong into crowds of other screaming, dead-eyed children all setting upon cars and clawing at the windows, just in case Bieber might be hidden inside.
Bielievers, you probably know this, but tickets go on sale on Friday. Start being really, really nice to your parents. For the rest of you, watch this video as a warning of what the whole of the UK will look like when Bieber arrives on these shores.
It’s going to be hell – unless you sell earplugs and suicide kits.
*apologies for that image
Rena says
The guy needs to stop touring and focus on his “Valentines Day” movie or something, right, right? Damn those Canadians. Damn them to Hell.
Lisa says
I want to tie him to a chair, dry shave him, set fire ants upon him, then throw him into a Turkish prison, never to be heard from again.
joemomma says
That’s quite the little swagger for the solo member of the Party Posse. Can’t wait once he goes all Mary Kate/Ashley, Brittany, Lohan in about a year. I also can’t believe he’s got a book.
This world is nuts.