George Clooney To Star In Painfully Needless Remake Of The Birds?

As good as The Birds was, we thought that it lacked two main things – old-school charm and an oblique criticism of the government.

So thank heavens that George Clooney is apparently close to starring in a remake of The Birds. If reports are to be believed then George Clooney is all set to take on the role of Mitch Bremner – the man who doesn’t die and gets away safely at the end of the movie – in next year’s The Birds remake, to probably be directed by Martin Campbell.

Of course, 45 years have passed since the original, so George Clooney’s version will need some updating. For instance, since climate change is such a worry, The Birds remake will be given a more ecological bent. And instead of having birds in it, it’ll be about plants that kill people for no reason. And Mark Wahlberg‘s going to star in it. It’ll be excellent, really.

George Clooney has gained such a position of importance in Hollywood lately that he can more or less pick and choose the movies that he wants to be in. That’s why the only films you’ll ever see George Clooney star in are either a) clever pieces of slightly non-commercial social commentary or b) stupid films that reinforce his self-proclaimed Mr Smooth image.

And for the life of us, we can’t work out which one of these categories a remake of The Birds would fall into. According to reports, George Clooney is close to signing on to star in the forthcoming remake of The Birds alongside Naomi Watts.

Naomi Watts we can understand – between King Kong and The Ring and Funny Games, that girl loves pointless remakes so much that she’d probably play everyone in a remake of High School Musical 3 tomorrow if you asked her nicely enough – but George Clooney? Apparently so. Metro reports:

Hollywood legend George Clooney has been tipped to take the lead role in a remake of the classic horror film The Birds. And Rod Taylor, who starred in Alfred Hitchcock’s original 1983 movie, is delighted at the prospect of George taking on the role. Rod told the Daily Express: “I often cringe when I hear mention of remakes but I’ll hold judgement, especially since I’ve been told Clooney’s the favourite.”

We can only pray that George Clooney’s remake of The Birds will be half as good as the 1998 remake of Psycho, but it probably won’t be because Vince Vaughn isn’t going to play all of the birds. Unless he is, in which case we’re in.

Oh, and the bit above where we mentioned the birds going on the attack as revenge for humans messing up the environment? That’s apparently true, keeping within the confines of the law which states that all vaguely nature-based movie remakes must feature humans as the real monsters.

Speaking of which, isn’t it time that someone did a remake of The Perfect Storm where George Clooney enrages the sea by accidentally catching a dolphin in a tuna net? We’d definitely watch that, but only on the proviso that it ended with Clooney getting completely Steve Irwined by an army of swordfish.


  1. says

    “The Birds” was pants.

    Utter rubbish from a once good director. For the love of Christ, why, oh why did everyone run outdoors when the birds were attacking?

    And finally, at the end of this atrocity our heroes had a choice of vehicles; a sturdy METAL van or a sporty little car with a flimsy SOFT-TOP made of VINYL. Guess what they opted for…

    Hollowood trash. It would be hard to make a crapper movie, so go Clooney!

  2. Julian Mentat says

    Hmm… how to update that movie? Use something else instead of birds? What else would fit?

    A woman is walking home when she sees hordes of entities, sitting on walls, watching her menacingly… then they attack…

    How about “the hoodies”?

  3. Andrew Roberts says

    Congrats on the funniest start to a review I’ve read in a long time -pretty well skewered him, I’d say.