Everybody makes mistakes in life, from eating food that has just gone past its sell by date to fancying your mates mum that little bit too much. We are said to learn from the errors of our ways, but if you're MTV UK, it seems that you\’ll constantly fail to come up with original British programming and instead make piss poor copies of shows broadcast in America.
We've seen it all before with ?My Super Sweet 16?, ?Cribs? and ?Pimp My Ride? failing to make the mark. ITV even botched an attempt at cloning ?The Hills? in its dreary version of ?The Only Way Is Essex.?
If you're a fan of high quality programming, you might want to smash your TV in a fit of rage as MTV UK have decided to remake ?Jersey Shore? for the British market. The glamorous location chosen? Newcastle upon Tyne, giving the program the terrible title, ?Geordie Shore.?
If Jesus had invented TV, he'd be weeping in to his bloody hands [Jesus DID invent TV – for our sins, Ed.].
We've all accidently witnessed Jersey Shore -? a programme which features a host of characters that seem to have come to life from a waxwork museum and slightly melted in the sun. Complete with stupid accents, names and clothes, the comedy characters spend their time getting drunk, starting fights and trying to shag anything that generally walks.
In Jersey, where the American version is staged, they have sun, sea and sex. When it arrives in Newcastle, expect to see storm clouds, constant rain and awkward fumbles in nightclubs.
The Guardian reports that MTV said it chose to base the series in the north-east because:
?Its residents know how to have a good time come rain or shine.?Jersey Shore is set in the summer and it is always summer in the north-east,” said Kerry Taylor, the director of television for MTV Networks UK and Ireland. “No one wears a coat and Geordie girls are always out in their miniskirts.”
Basically then, the camera really want to film nothing but girls flashing their bits in dresses that could also be classed as belts. It also helps that the nation?s sweetheart, highest profile malaria sufferer and divorcee to a footballer hails from Newcastle. Hooray for Cheryl Cole who took over as the most popular female from the North-East after Viz?s Fat Slags characters held the crown for decades.
We know what this means. Scores of girls will attempt to work the camera to vaguely fool the viewer that they’re all worth it like Cheryl Cole. With the series being staged in Newcastle, we assume the following scenarios will occur to some of the people set to star in Geordie Shore:
Trouble On The Tyne ? Following a report that a school of fish has been spotted swimming in the River Tyne, a few of the group cast off to catch some of the critters so they can be sold to Fred the local fish monger. However, trouble occurs when the engine stops working and someone falls overboard when they attempt to solve the problem. Whatever will happen?
Stottie Off ? It's a well known fact that to become a fully fledged Geordie, natives must complete in a stottie eating competition at a certain age. To those not in the know of what a stottie is, it's a local delicacy that normal people call bread. Five people compete to win the title of ?Stottie Stomacher?, knowing that if they lose, they?ll be locked in a padded cell being forced to constantly listen to the greatest hits of PJ & Duncan for sixty five days.
Fun In The Erm?Sun ? In Newcastle, the sun shines for approximately three days a year, meaning that any vain locals won't get a chance to top up their tan. Instead of picking a warm natural glow from Mr. Sunshine, anyone wanting to get away from a skin tone reminiscent of milk either fry themselves under power lamps in tanning salons, or turn themselves orange thanks to the power of fake tan. No doubt all sorts of top tips will be shared so you the viewer can mimic the appearance of a Satsuma suffering the same skin problems as Michael Jackson.
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Tom Shiel says
Have you ever been to Newcastle Matthew? It is a wonderful city, my home town I will admit so I truly am as biased as they come. If you have been to Newcastle you must have walked around with your eyes closed as even one or two Sunderland residents twitched in dissaproval when Newcastle/Gateshead’s joint bit for European Capital of Culture 2008 failed in favour of Liverpool. And that takes alot.
I would also assume that you speak with a cockney-esque accent based on this blatant wind up of an article. Get yourself further north than Milton Keynes (if you haven’t already) you ignorant peice of pig turd.
I am biting my nails in anticipation of this series as I hope it paints a far better picture of Newcastle and it’s residents than I think it will. If this programme focuses on the Bigg market, one of the wildest and most terrible places in the area, I will throw my T.V into the garden. Warm, friendly, supportive and happy are the best ways to describe anyone that lives within 10 miles+ of the city centre. More than can be said for the average Londoner.
”Stottie Off