Following on from the saga that was American X-Factor and the Cheryl Cole fiasco, some UK residents might have forgotten that the UK?s inferior version is currently auditioning singers. Up and down the country, thousands of club, pub and karaoke performers will attempt to convince that girl out of N-Dubz, the one that stood in the shadow of Beyonce in Destiny?s Child, Louise Walsh and Gary Barlow that they have X-Factor and not swagger jagger.
But after a couple of series, surely it's getting a tad boring and predictable? Everyone knows that Louise Walsh gets given novelty contestants like Jedward and Wagner whilst every other judge heap praise on their own singers, even though they know they wouldn't get a gig at a funeral.
What interests us more are those crazy individuals who?ll be so deluded with fame, that even a baying audience can't deter them from trying year after year. As expected, they've arrived in droves, and just to make things even more hilarious, a repeat Michael Jackson impersonator has made an appearance.
As we all know, Michael Jackson will never release any fresh music. But for the next thousand years, this won't stop the Jackson estate from doling out awful albums, featuring unreleased demos, songs and remixes. Novelty hip hop bands like The Black Eyed Peas will use the extensive catalogue of Michael Jackson for samples that spawn records that sound worse than Bubbles the monkey suffering from explosive diarrhoea. But his spirit lives on in the form of tribute acts who claim that they are challenging his energy to bring peace, harmony and more child touching lawsuits to the world.
Just like Elvis, a surge of impersonators have grown since the king of pop’s untimely death after he confused his painkiller medication for colourful M&Ms. If we ever wanted to listen to Michael Jackson, we?d put on one of his LP?s, not rely on some bloke who can't hit the trademark sounds of ?woo hoos?, ?hee hee? and ?shamone.?
We've avoided these terrible acts, but thanks to the power of X-Factor,these people have exposed themselves to us. Kind of what Jackson allegedly did to those children in Neverland. Back in 2010, the aptly named Michael Lewis appeared on X-Factor, sparking fits of laughter in the hecklerspray bedsit. (If you can’t remember him, go refresh your memory here).
Michael Lewis looks like he loves his idol Michael Jackson so much that he?ll drink nothing but Jesus Juice, cover himself in flour so he can get that white & pasty look, smash his nose with a toffee hammer so he can emulate Jackson?s famous wonky conk and will only be seen by doctors called Conrad Murray. After making a boob of himself last year, you'd pray that he'd have seen his audition footage and never return to the show. But as we said, people these days live in a fantasy world and now, Michael ‘Jackson’ Lewis has been back to the X Factor once again, and this time he irritated? gentle giant of pop, Gary Barlow. We've heard that:
?His performance of Geri Halliwell’s ‘Look At Me’ was described as a bit weird by Tulisa Contostavlos and booed by the live studio audience. The singer then called the audience two-faced and shallow before slumping down on the stage and refused to leave.?
If we we're on the judging panel, we?d probably throws cups of tea at the deranged individual until he sloped off with one silver glove covering his burned genitals. But that's probably why we're not allowed near the X-Factor auditions. Instead, Gary Barlow took control of the situation. Placing his Morrisons shopping trolley to one side, it's reported that he:
?Walked on stage, handed Lewis his jacket, ordering him to leave.?
Because Gary Barlow looks like he could enchant animals with a magical tambourine, we can only assume that our idiotic Michael Jackson friend did what he was told ? not forcing Barlow to set his hair on fire via onstage pyrotechnics.
We wish that had happened. It would have been bad! Dangerous! Off the wall even! HAHAHA! WE’RE BRILLIANT AT PUNS! IT’S IN OUR HUMAN NATURE! HA! WE DID IT AGAIN!
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Rachael says
MICHAEL LEWIS IS A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE! i find this article really offensive to both lewis and Michael Jackson. Lewis’ xfactor audition last year just reflected his brilliant sense of humour- it was the guy i know doing what i love best about him- people have to stop taking things so seriously! dont put him in the category of deluded idiots he is one of the smartest guys i know!
love you lewisinator if this report is true i cant wait to see it! ;)
lina says
To the wirter : please be polite about Michael ok!!
R Dibley says
This article is beyond offensive. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
JoeMomma says
This article is not offensive enough. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Sam says
How come Gary Glitter’s fans don’t stand up for him like the MJ fans do? They are after all a similar breed of person who feel that being a good pop act makes their idol’s tendency to rape children acceptable.
In years gone by, MJ would have been tried, convicted and executed as a witch. I’d like to see Gary Barlow sentence the fake MJ to death.
Thank you all for your time.
Deep6 says
Obviously Laidlow is obsessed with MJ and still grinding his usual axe. Poor baby just never got his sexual fantasy fulfilled. If he really despised Michael as much as he claims to, he would just let it go and move on (kind of like what most of his own readers have done). Just how deep do you intend to dig your grave, Matthew? You’re already just a few feet away from hell. Of course, I forget that you call that home.
tolu says
This article is very offensive and ignorant. It has been written by a narrow minded bigoted idiot who has no respect and competence for writing a decent article. It is just an excuse to abuse michael. The article should be take off. What a dick head.
diane walker says
This is not Writing,,,this is not even COMEDY,,,sounds more like “player-hating” on King of Pop, the one and only Michael Jackson. And infact, we the fans, love the inpersonators…So back yo ass off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Liz says
Matthew Laidlow, you are so cruel!
JoeMomma says
Not to be the grammar police, but I think you meant to say fan in singular. Not fans as in plural.
MJ is still a jackhole though so are his tiny tiny minded fans. Really a slice of burnt toast (and I mean really burnt, like so burnt that even when you scrape off all the burnt bits it’s still burnt, and you think should I eat this, but are to lazy to make another toast so you go for it anyways, then of course you get crumbs in the butter and your roommate gives you shit, and you got to listen to his bullshit why you haven’t paid your rent, how it was his butter and slice bread that you’re using and you’re a total deadbeat and probably should get a job instead of busking down on main street with your harmonica and puppet show, then you try and tell him that puppetry is not dead and you’re an artist, and get upset and start to cry because nobody understands you) has a higher IQ than MJ fans.
Ron L. says
Damn, I don’t know who you are but that was a really good response there! Loved it!
Isn't it says
Matt you’re such a dick, brilliant, but still a dick. Tolu – judging from your post I’m thinking you have the intelligence factor of tufu.
Yes, so cruel says
Hurt me more Matty…bring it…LOL.
Diane says
Ignore this fool, Laidlow. He’s a baiter as are a few others here who have nothing to offer the world except their hate and ignorance. So childish. Pathetic human (??) beings…
Cookie Monster says
Tell your friend that he needs a chimp with explosive diarrhea.
Cookie Monster says
Ron L., you silly window licker. Deep6 is obviously a globally recognized intellectual who has dedicated his life to the study of Matthew Laidlow’s works. He has taken his studies so deep into the life of Matthew that he knows – no, he feels – the unfulfilled sexual fantasies that Laidlow carries like a cross. He even ventured beyond his field to also gain expert knowledge of Laidlow fans worldwide.
Wait a minute… Deep6, are you Mof Gimmers?
Desh says
the author of this article Matthew Laidlow seems like a highly judgmental person. you shouldn’t be writing articles about performers..cus obviously u fail at identifying talent. you seem to be like a person who’s good at insulting people…And your one of those people who hate MJ as u seem to be clueless about his music or talent. Mj was the king of pop long before any media allegations came out. You Matthew Laidlow is part of the lowest scum on earth. MJ is part of history and his music from the age of 10 and his charity work will remembered and respected by millions of ppl, you on the other hand is a nobody and will be dead and forgotten before long. Go crawl up and die Laidlow.
JoeMomma says
You know in a world of change there are still lots of constants.
Pi, taxes, death, and moronic MJ superfans.
you forgot says
That ole whako jacko will also be remembered for butting boy bedovers and I’m sure fun chimpanze tricks that only a few lonely fellows in the bush can attest to.
This reply says
Caused me to have explosive tea all over my computer screen. LOL.
Arthur ASCii says
Diane, you’re saying Mickey J was a “player”? Please, do tell more; I’m sure ‘Spray would be more than happy to run the story.
Arthur ASCii says
You really need to learn how to punctuate, Diane.
HellAwaitsYou says
You can tell if a person is ignorant or not by their opinion of Michael Jackson. The guy who wrote this article is ignorant. So are some of the people who commented on it. Like the douche above me.
Cookie Monster says
Who can read the comment without thinking, “No, Laidlow is the master baiter”?
Eh? Who? That’s what I thought. Bunch of sick fucks…
Cookie Monster says
Ignorant of what, exactly? I can only guess, at this point, that one’s opinion of MJ (or as we call him, Optimus Diddler, or OD’ed, if you prefer acronyms and proper tenses) judges whether one is ignorant of reality, or not a drooling MJ sycophant.
Please elaborate for the benefit of we of the great unwashed.
hunter says
Article writer. You have low self esteem.. I feel bad for you.
Diane says
So sick of dumbass people who know NOTHING about the real Michael Jackson and what he represented to us all and always will. Leave him alone! Shut up! Michael was a beautiful soul who left us all too soon. You haven’t done your homework when you make ignorant comments about the false allegations you’ve all been fed by the media without educating yourselves on the TRUTH. You are mindless sheep. I will defend Michael with my last dying breath. RIP sweet Michael.
zendegi merchant says
we all know MICHAEL JACKSON !! so tired of you guys being jealous of him and all that he has done none of you can ever come close in any way!!! NO ONE WILL EVER COME CLOSE !! and you all know it!! all I want to know is he still alive and if not!!! conrad murray needs to go to prison for killing him!!!! we as fans want the truth about MICHAEL JACKSON!! where is he??????????? we want proof!!!!!!!!!
Cookie Monster says
Do you believe in Jesus? You seem like the type who does, and a little too much. Let us know when MJ’s face shows-up on your grilled cheese, being blown by JC.
Celiaw says
Oh Dear Do you hate Michael Jackson so much that you have to inflict such ridicule onto his fans too. Granted his singing was not up to Michaels highest standards but did he warrent such a negative and cruel article.
As Michael Lewis said Michael had it right, he knew how to treat people.
‘Michael Jackson would have loved me he knows I have a pure heart and he would have loved me no matter what.
You could take some lessons.