Friday the 13th is usually considered to be a cursed day thanks to superstition, but Friday the 13th 2009 really was genuinely cursed.
No, honestly it was. This is because a) during Friday the 13th 2009, we got turned away from a restaurant because we hadn’t made a reservation, and b) a godawful movie remake of Friday The 13th came out. Cursed, we tell you.
Worse, the Friday The 13th remake has managed to top the US weekend box office chart. So in about 2018 the godawful remake of Friday The 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan will top the weekend box office too. Joy.
Just a stab in the dark, but we’re starting to suspect that Michael Bay hates yours childhood. He must do, because he’s going out of his way to piddle over everything you ever loved as a kid. First he turned Transformers into a Shia LaBeouf vehicle about incontinent rapping robots, and now he’s ballsed up a Friday The 13th remake as well.
But, hey, the Friday The 13th remake is number one at the US weekend box office, so don’t expect him to stop trampling on your youth just yet. Next up, we hear that Michael Bay is going to make a movie franchise about Swizzel Sticks and a whole movie about a 1986 Panini football sticker of Ian Rush in an old Liverpool Crown Paints top. The sod. Here’s the weekend box office top five:
1 – Friday The 13th (Do you see? Friday The 13th was released on Friday the 13th. What a fiendishly clever piece of marketing. Sort of makes us wish that the film was called Friday The 32nd, though. Because then it?d never be released and another slice of our childhood would have gone unraped. Oh well) $42,245,000
2 – He's Just Not That Into You (Weird that people should flock to see Friday The 13th – a film about a mangled-looking lunatic with very clear mental downfalls – when they could have gone to see He's Just Not That Into You, a film about loads of mangled-looking lunatics with very clear mental downfalls) $19,610,000
3 – Taken (Easy the best movie to have a one-word past participle verb as a title since, ooh, at least the 1924 movie Beaten. Which we haven't seen, by the way. It might be rubbish) $19,250,000
4 – Confessions Of A Shopaholic (Weird to think that the millions of jobless Americans on the brink of foreclosure didn't rush to see this feelgood movie about the joys of spending above your means. Tip for next time, Isla Fisher – make a movie called Confessions Of A Woman Who Has To Lick Condensation From The Inside Of A Dustbin Lid For Sustenance. Catch the zeitgeist!) $15,406,000
5 – Coraline (We still have no idea what Coraline is about. It sounds like a colour that a bellend would use to paint his master bedroom, though. That's enough for us not to want to see it) $15,323,000
PC games and consoles says
hey its a movie of “terror”
Jon says
This is the most ridiculous article I have ever read. I threw up a little reading your terrible criticisms.
Nemesis says
You critics are like a bunch of whiny little babies. Do horror movies make you pee your pants and put you on the defensive, as to not to appear as cowardly as you truly are? Is that why you are so adamant against them? That why you give nothing but negative reviews about them? They are for entertainment. Thats why we watch them, not to critque them. They aren’t meant to be oscar material, and we could care less of your idiotic ideals or opinions of the subject matter. You really aren’t impressing anyone with your slights, its horror you’re not treading any new ground here moron. You should really stick to prolapsing your rectum with your Donnie New Kids On The Block doll there Mary ;)