Halloween is shit and scary. Britain is shit and scary. Kieran Yates tells you how to dress up for Halloween so you can look shit and scary too. Brilliant.
It's that time of year again- the pressure is on to create a fancy dress costume that isn't utterly dismal- in the vain hope that we can do better than slut-cats or stolen-from-NHS bandages to make mummies.
The age of austerity is the age of creativity so we keep being told – and this is the year that we better get creative, so I'm looking to current affairs for inspiration.
Last year I went as a gnome.
Here?s my Top 5 ideas so you won't follow on the same footsteps.
1. Chilean Miners/Maggie Thatcher
About: 33 Chilean miners were trapped underground for 64 days. They were rescued on Maggie T?s birthday. Ah, the irony.
You will need: Flashlight, torch, charcoal and fancy dress shop false ‘bad teeth’ (they suffered from bad dental hygiene you know). Affix a cage like object to your head, which you can keep opening to ’emerge’ over and over- a look of relief and exhaustion will only add to this look, so perhaps one to don straight after work on a Friday.
For the second part:-MT
You will need: A female friend/male friend willing to drag for the occasion, donning an orange wig and that red suit. White paint and panstick (she’s ill you know) and a limp birthday cake which she will be throwing at the miner, screaming ‘It’s my Birthday!! Shut up!!!? ?Shut uppp!?
2. Ali WeiWei being chased by ‘Supernanny’ State
About: Ali Weiwei?s installation ?Sunflower Seeds? in the Tate?s turbine hall has been deemed too dangerous for the public to you know, actually engage in, so the nanny state has slapped a big old ?keep clear? on that bitch. Woo ha.
You will need: A tortured artist covered in 100 million ‘sunflower seeds’ hand painted by a 1600 workers labouring for three years. These should be stuck to the artist in question, while he spends the night inspecting each one for size shape and three brush strokes on each.
For the second part:Jo Frost as ‘Supernanny State’
You will need an ample bosomed severe woman in a suit, in trademark glasses and donning a gasmask and chasing you around with a rope screaming ‘you’re too dangerous! stand back!! sit on the naughty step before you give everyone lung cancer!’
3. Girls Aloud
About– The girls are on the brink of a break up. Cheryl is the queen, and the rest pretend not to care. They all hate Nadine. She didn't support Chezza?s X Factor performance, you know.
You will need: 5 waifish girls, (eating disorders not mandatory, just need to look like they have them). Sarah is the blonde slaggy one, maybe douse her in vodka so she smells as we would expect. Kimberley is boring (for the last dresser) so no need to spend to much time on this – heels and a skirt will do. Nicole- the red headed one- must be sulking and bitching that she is no longer the only red head in the group. Nadine must not be present. Or, you could dress up as silent ghost,a pink elephant, or any other metaphor that fits. Cheryl must be in fake everything, (you know what to do) screaming that ?Ah can believe eim the nations sweet-hort like!? and demand to be bowed down to by the other girls. All must be smiling saccharinely at cameras while while spreading rumours about how Cheryl has herpes or something.
4. Justin Bieber
About: Baby Bieber has released a trailer for his documentary. Despite not ever had a wet dream.
You will need: Floppy hair that is flicked vigorously so you walk into doors/tables/breasts without realising. (Excellent, as can mask drunkenness on ?getting into character?.) You will need a throng of cameramen following you around capturing your every move who repeat how ?fascinating? your world is- at one point in the night when you bump into some cleavage you must scream ?come here! come here! I think I'm having my first wet dream! My pants are getting soggy!? and they will hurriedly follow, documenting this milestone.
5. Wagner
About: Bongo bashing sex bomb of our nightmares.
You will need: One for the gatecrashing grandads that still consider themselves lotharios and attend weekly salsa classes so they can press up against young women. This one really makes itself if you find the right candidate. I recommend picking some up from strip bars in Soho, collecting the dregs from the closing hours of teen discos, wedding receptions and sixth form proms. After they've finished leering at young, firm skin- add some hair, a few gold chains, play some latino and let the years of pent up sexual frustration and self loathing run free. Let the good times roll. Maybe add a bongo.
Happy Halloween!
This was a guest post by the impossibly attractive Kieran Yates. Cheer or something.
Jonny says
very entertaining article….may have to try the bieber look this year:)
tomspot says
Very funny Kieran.. They are all great ideas…!! Think if i had to pick I would be number 2. very interesting, loads of possiblities with this one.
liz says
i love this! very funny and very well written. current affairs @ halloween is the one. X