Eurovision 2009 profiles! Let’s go! Anyone? Oh, screw you, then.
Don’t forget that it’s London’s big Eurovision party at the Scala tonight – an even that we’ve never even been invited to despite writing about Eurovision for five years. Five solid years. We’ll never get those years back, you know. They’re gone. And what do we have to show for it? Huh? Nothing, that’s what. Nothing at all. Oh, we’re so alone.
Anyway, here’s the Eurovision 2009 rundown for Alex Swings, Oscar Sings from Germany and Sakis Rouvas from Greece…
Germany ? Alex Swings, Oscar Sings, Miss Kiss Kiss Bang
Germany is suffering from a Eurovision slump comparable to the UK at the moment, but it's worse because they're all German and have to live with that every day of their lives. In recent years Germany has entered novelty abominations as well as straight pop songs, and neither have worked. So this year we've been given Miss Kiss Kiss Bang by Alex Swings, Oscar Sings which is… well, we're not actually sure. It seems like it's a normal pop song – the closest Germany will ever get to recording a sophisticated Bond theme – until you realise that the bassline seems to be performed on the flatulent anuses of guffy pensioners and the singer looks like he was kicked out of Lazytown for looking too plastic. It's basically a fat bag of weird. And not particularly in a good way, either.
Greece ? Sakis Rouvas, This Is Our Night
How?s this for pedigree: the Greeks, who usually tend to do fairly well at this sort of thing, have decided to enter a song by the man who produced Knockin? On Heaven?s Door. Now admittedly that's the shitty Guns N? Roses version of Knockin? On Heaven?s Door, but it's still a step up from the dancing gypsy superman that the Czech Republic have entered. So what sort of epic, windswept, hard-rocking anthem has Greece come up with? Well, um, it's not particularly epic or windswept or hard-rocking. In actual fact, This Is Our Night by Sakis Rouvas is possibly the gayest thing we've ever seen. It's a tinny little dance song performed by a man who looks like a pate sculpture of Hugh Jackman whose sole dance moves involves thrusting his pelvis with such ferocity that it looks like he's using it to blind toddlers with. And, unusually for Greece, it's cack.
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SvetLana says
Vote for Sakis Rouvas on http://www.oikotimes.com/v2/index.php?file=articles&id=5356