So, it has come to my attention that I am three months pregnant and will be spawning a child come May 2015. I know, I know, God help the poor child. But before you congratulate me or anything like that, I have to say: celebrity culture has fucking lied to us. I grew up thinking Entertainment Tonight was actually the news, so almost everything I knew about pregnancy was based on celebrities and how they looked and their interviews and all that shit.
Well, let me tell you something, ladies, if you’re planning on having your first baby and think it’s going to be a walk in the park and you’re going to be as happy and glowing as Angelina fucking Jolie you are WRONG. Celebrities lie to us about pregnancy because there is just no way that shit can be real life. Here are?seven of the biggest lies celebs tell us about being knocked up.
1. You’ll be glowing and beautiful and only gain weight in your belly, and even then you’ll just have a cute belly and great tits.
Ever notice that pregnant celebrities always look like SUPER nice? Like they don’t get super fat and their skin is still glowing and beautiful and clear and they never look exhausted? LIES!?I used to have the BEST skin. I mean, I didn’t even get pimples during puberty, now I’m a fucking monster! I have to wear more make-up than I’ve ever worn in my entire life just to hide how equally pimply and dry my skin is. IT MAKES SO SENSE! And why do pregnant celebrities never look tired?! Being pregnant is EXHAUSTING! I’ve been wearing fashion caps every day to hide the fact I haven’t been washing my hair because holding my arms up to actually lather that shit up is way too tiring. Look at Jessica Alba in the above picture. Bitch is GLOWING. The only time I look like I’m glowing is when my face is drenched in tears from my crying about how shitty I look.