Ever since Rosie O'Donnell left The View, there's been a hole in Elisabeth Hasselbeck's life – a big, attention-seeking, red-faced hole that won't stop screaming unless you plug it onto the end of a boob.
But now that hole has been filled by Elisabeth Hasselbeck's newborn baby son. Not much was known about Elisabeth Hasselbeck's son – other than that it's going to rebel harder than any other child in history in about 16 years' time – but then Elisabeth Hasselbeck called The View yesterday to reveal all. Apparently Elisabeth Hasselbeck's new baby is called Taylor Thomas Hasselbeck and weighs 7 pounds, 15 ounces. Hasselbeck would have gone into more detail on The View but she cut things short because she knows that the first few days of a child's life are critical for force-feeding it crackpot right-wing patriotic nonsense before it learns how to say "shut up" or put its fingers in its ears.
If you thought there was no reason to watch The View after Rosie O'Donnell literally bellowed herself blind and left the show to pursue her brand-new career of getting constantly rejected as the host of other shows, then there's even less reason to watch it now that Elisabeth Hasselbeck – the berserk, almost comically right-wing superego to Rosie O'Donnell's bawling id – has buggered off on maternity leave.
Understandably you're upset, since that just leaves Whoopi Goldberg, Barbara Walters and a handful of painfully nondescript women to host the world's most influential daytime TV show about a gang of old ladies bickering at each other a lot.
But fear not, because even though Elisabeth Hasselbeck only gave birth to her second baby on Friday, she still made time to call her colleagues and announce the baby boy's name to the world, or at least the portion of the world without a proper job. This is what Elisabeth Hasselbeck said:
"His name is Taylor Thomas Hasselbeck… [I was in labour] forever. I only had to push for about 35 minutes, but I think I was in labour for four or five thousand hours. I delivered him on a treadmill watching president Bush."
Elisabeth Hasselbeck also revealed that she was going to remain on maternity leave until The View resumes after the Christmas break in January. It'll be a busy time for Elisabeth because she'll need to get her energy levels back after the sapping delivery while simultaneously trying to make herself presentable again for her television return and attempting to train baby Taylor Thomas to hold and use a firearm in his tiny infant fingers for when she's next away.
But regular watchers of The View shouldn't worry that Elisabeth Hasselbeck's absence will cause the show to slide into a biased left-wing funk where all that will be discussed is how awful the war is and the progressive social teachings of Wilhelm Liebknecht, because The View is inviting guests with similar political viewpoints to Elisabeth Hasselbeck onto the show until she's back to balance things out. Today, for example, the guest on The View is Bill O'Reilly, followed tomorrow by the ghost of Adolf Hitler, and so forth.
Adam Gade says
Careful, mentioning Hitler like that and you might incur the wrath of Godwin’s Law.
Godwin says
WHAT THE F*CK?!?
Adam Gade says
See what I mean?
Debbie Slaughter says
Whoever wrote this trash is an idiot. Oh, and a tree hugging one at that.