Recent scientific progress has proven conclusively that pregnant girls' bones are filled with snake milk.

Their breasts, you see, are composed of one part fat, one part muscle, and four parts an intricate skeletal structure through which said milk is funnelled to a newborn baby's eager lips. How exactly snakes get close enough to pregnant mothers is still unknown, but it is supposed they deposit their milk into a gas-cap type thingy found only in the swollen-pregnant ankle.

It is claimed by some that the ingestion of so much serpent juice is the reason many babies writhe and wriggle so convincingly. Perhaps though, Isaac Hanson should have drunk more of his mama's snake milk when he was a tot. Maybe then the Hanson guitarist would have been strong enough for some scab in his lungs to not hurt him so much he had to check into a hospital.

Yup, we're willing to bet that guy was a powder-milk baby.

As we're told, Isaac Hanson didn't drink any of the snake milk that used to pour out of his mother's boob skeletons so freely when he was a baby. It's a shame too, because that milk is what enables a child to withstand his mother's poisonous venom should she ever try to eat him. Supposedly this happens in Oklahoma.

Anyway, Old man Hanson played a gig with his brother-band a few days ago, after which he started complaining that his left shoulder and chest hurt wicked bad. Doctors discovered it was blood clots developing in his system, and these clots had a chance of moving into the young man's lungs.

Doctors were prepared to shrink down Dennis Quaid so that he could go in and shovel these blood clots around with a spaceship a bit, but it ends up Quaid won't do sequels. That's dumb Quaid – they're talking five-digit paychecks here!

The Hanson kid seems to have stabilised on his own, according to a nurse. Isaac's melodious brother, Taylor said:

"We appreciate thoughts and prayers that have been out there for him. We want the tour to go on, so you know we are working steadfastly to see how long he's going to need to rest."

Taylor went on to emotionally say about his brother's delicate condition:

"Worst case scenario, we'll bring in our cousin Jethro. He can play Free Bird with just three chords."

Creative liberties taken with the second quote. 

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