Apologies for missing last week?s Albert Square spoilerfest. And what a week it was, as the Bloods travelled from LA to pay respects to their slain street soldier Billie, Janine snatched Stacey?s baby and then got stuck on a level crossing, Max attacked Jay and (stay with me here), Alfie relaunched the Queen Vic in Charlie?s living room.
So, what next?
Well, lots of drama with unlikely (pale, balding, ginger, simian) love God Max and the woman responsible for preventing the make up industry from going in a global recession, Vanessa.
After they leave the worst party of all time (trademark), Alfie?s domestic pub launch,? they arrive home to find the word ‘slapper’ written across their front door. Is it angry Jay? Or someone else?? Later on, Lauren and Mercy discover a poster of a topless Vanessa that also says ‘slapper’, in fact, they're all over the place.
Darren catches Harry spraying ?slapper? on a car at the car lot (doesn't the mystery dauber have any other terms of abuse in his / her?vocabulary?), and Harry admits a shocking secret ? he's not Jodie?s dad! Bothered? Us neither.? There are some more back and forward shenanigans around this revelation, with Darren of course unwittingly revealing all to Jodie, the poor sap.
What's going on with the car at the level crossing? Hold that thought.
As we all know, Eastenders has about 9000 nightmare gobby women on the square, most permanently at each other?s throats ? there's Kat, Bianca, Roxy, Janine, Stacey and Carol representing the over 40s, for a start.
This week, Kat and Roxy are at war, again for no good reason. At the grand re-opening of The Vic, Kat goes cold as she spots Roxy working behind the bar, as Roxy had been flirting with Alfie earlier. Later, when Roxy steps in to help with the beer pumps,? Alfie calls her a “saviour” . He goes to kiss Roxy on the cheek but she turns her head at the wrong moment and their lips touch. This sounds unlikely, but to be fair, this happened to us at a wedding recently, and it can be embarrassing.
Still, a quick apology, no harm done, and on you go with your life, right? Wrong. Furious, Kat grabs Roxy’s hair, pulling out some of her extensions.
Elsewhere, Christian and Syed arrive at the Beales’, to hear an announcement from Ian -?there's a date for the court hearing about the adoption. As Bobby performs a poem for Jane, Ian tells her that in a few weeks they will be a proper family. He then brings out an ?expensive-looking? (won't be) cake for Jane topped with mother and child figurines. Jane tells Christain she needs to hear what he hates about Ian in order to fill her head with negative thoughts so she can hate him again (lovely thought), as the adoption was the nicest thing he has ever done for her.
Turns out Jane was planning to move up north for a new start. Jane tells big Christian the story of Lucy’s abortion and Christian is shocked and disgusted, telling her to leave as soon as she can.
Nothing could expose Jane?s plans, could it? Kim realises she has accidentally picked up Denise’s handbag (as you don't)? and after rummaging through it (as you don’t), she finds a letter relating to Jane’s secret bank account. She hands the letter to Ian, who reads it while Jane is at work.
Gah.
Elsewhere, Alfie’s plans to rig a prize draw for a Caribbean holiday go awry when Heather wins the prize. Later, Kat slips over on the street and has to go to hospital, where she discovers that Alfie really does care for the baby (how? Does the doctor come out and say ?yes, tests confirm it ? he really does care??). They agree to renew their wedding vows when Alfie drops down on one knee under a full moon (he’d just had a big dinner).
Elsewhere, there's more tawdry Jodie/Vanessa/Harry drama (seriously ? does anyone care about these characters?), ending with Vanessa being forced to sleep with Harry one last time, to protect her daughter (what a great view of marriage and divorce Eastenders gives kids). There's even a brick thrown through a window.
Meanwhile, Jane?s ruse is almost blown so she has to pretend to be booking Ian a surprise holiday to Paris. Alfie decides that he and Kat will renew their vows in The Vic on Thursday, only to find that this will clash with Ronnie’s wedding (Thursday, that most popular of wedding days). When Ronnie learns of the clash, she tells Roxy to get fireworks, white carriages and ice sculptures to make her wedding superior to Kat and Alfie’s (been watching four weddings?). However, paying a visit to the cash point later on, Roxy realises that she has spent all her money. Oh dear.
And what about Janine, Ryan and the baby? Well, don't ask us. We haven't a clue. Maybe it's just a really slow train that's coming at them, one that arrives the week after next.
Sharon says
Great blog – very funny.
I’m finding Carol’s behaviour excruciatingly nauseating! Poor old Peggy Mitchell was in Eastenders for yonks, no-one seems to remember her now, she had a 45 minute episode dedicated to her leaving, and that was that. Billie, was in it for all of two minutes and we