In a very occasional new series, we will help you dress like your favourite sleb so as to gain admittance to exclusive bars that don't have seats and movie premieres at shopping malls.
Host of TV?s Punk?d and semi-award winning film actor Ashton Kutcher is a real one-off style wise.
Still donning a mix of separates that even the Jackass team might consider immature, Kutcher?s look is all about mixing hokey Iowa charm with copious D&G shiny crap that costs more than the average wedding.
With a few key items you too can emulate the man himself and pull your own movie star wife who was famous in the early nineties when you were ten. Either that or the local kids will egg you for wearing glitter, no guarantees.
Headwear:
Can be baseball, bandanna or beanie hat ? they all look equally stupid. Be aware that the beanie is only acceptable when made from 100% wool and worn in temperatures exceeding 80 ?C. Baseball caps are required for TV appearances and junkets. Neither of these will apply to you, so just play it safe and opt for a bandana with a classy skull and crossbones pattern.
Sunglasses. Big plastic aviator shades reminiscent of the kind Daft Punk would wear to go on holiday.
Top:
Ringer t-shirt with fake university or pointillist Che Guevara print on chest. Sloppy tee with cleavage exposing v-neck also acceptable, providing it is has a) sequins or b) something written in Old English font across the front.
Fussy single breasted suit jacket with at least six buttons on the sleeve, lining the same colour as Gaviscon, preferably in a fine pinstripe and with something controversial like ?Jesus is my homeboi? or ?Tweeted? scrawled along the lapel in Tipp-Ex. A satin effect zipper with elasticised cuffs borrowed from that guy who reads the free newspapers in the library would also work.
Assorted bracelets fashioned from old shoelaces or multi-coloured elastic bands (your postman may be able to help). If these can represent Kabbalah or some other celebrity endorsed cult then all the better.
Dog tags. No need to have actually served in the military; Topman sell spot on replicas with tribal embellishment that are always ?1 after Christmas. Expect your granddad to call you soft though. He's right, too.
Bottom:
Cotton cargo pants in brown or green. The sort they put on toddlers that have giant pockets for soggy rusks, though you can swap these for cigarettes or a bottle of Narrow Passage mineral water. These must be worn low slung, so at least a size too big. If you're fat then knee length chino shorts and white socks are just about acceptable.
Shoes:
Trainers, preferably Converse All-Stars in a ?whacky? finish. Choose between pink and grey camouflage, indigo denim or just decorate your own with felt tip smiley faces. Thong sandals are ok, though only in winter.
That's it, you're good to go. Don't forget to shout a lot and high five everyone in Wimpy.
Ashton Kutcher is currently available for all movies starring Kevin Costner.
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T-Cake says
So to sum up, Ashton Kutcher is a huge douche. He’s slowly blending into the background, doing camera commercials, etc. We’ll be rid of him soon enough. Fingers crossed.