This is meant to be some kind of a cynical pop-culture website, right? Most of you are looking at the name in the title and wondering which celebrity has forcibly trapped a lesbian in the back of a transit van before inserting their penis inside them for the pleasure of a pod of watching aquatic mammals, right? Wrong.
It doesn’t matter that Dick Van Dyke might be an 84 year old man who has done little since being in Diagnosis Murder, which finished in 2001 (coincidence? It's safe to assume that it was pulled off the air because Osama Bin Laden was a fan. By entertaining terrorists, we're letting them win, kids)
It doesn’t matter that, if anyone recognises him they are either a student, are unemployable or are one of the few people in the country who have coherent memories of family Christmases. It doesn’t matter because he was in Mary Poppins for god?s sake. Show some respect. Like the porpoises did.
Yeah, that's right.
Dick Van Dyke is apparently some kind of freaky animal whisperer, beloved by all the animals in the sea. DigitalSpy picks up the Story Of The Year (seriously, can you get a Pulitzer for reporting on fluffy internet stories? Someone needs to be rewarded for bringing this to the public?s attention):
?Dick Van Dyke was reportedly rescued by a school of porpoises after he floated out to sea on a surfboard. According to?WENN, the?Mary Poppins and Diagnosis Murder star fell asleep on his board while at the beach. Van Dyke reportedly explained: “I woke up out of sight of land… and I started paddling with the swells and I started seeing fins swimming around me and I thought, ‘I’m dead!’.?They turned out to be porpoises [and] they pushed me all the way to shore. I’m not kidding.”
Yeah, they're apparently not kidding.
It needs repeating though: Dick Van Dyke, the man you remember as the perfectly-voiced, singing and dancing cockney with a slightly too-adult relationship with Mary Poppins (they were totally doing it. Check them out on the dance they do with the cartoon penguins), and the star of this seemingly unending sentence, was saved by freaking porpoises.
Doesn't that make you feel glad you got up this morning? Isn't it a nice change from reading about how X Factor contestants are all blubbering sacks of crap that you?wouldn’t?choose to listen to even if they were forced by law to sing into a into a silencer for a high powered rifle while staying ?at least 100 paces from you at all times? Or that Amy Winehouse has fallen down some stairs and now smells a bit mingent? Of course it is. Now go and spread the joy!
Don't worry, this isn't a new direction for HecklerSpray, we?ll be back to being awful, hatefilled ballsacks in about half an hour. Unless Dick does something else awesome, like command his army of rhesus monkeys to invade the pentagon or something.
XBox Kinect
JoeMomma says
He’s a class act, that’s why you can’t slag him off. Another ‘untouchable’ guy I can think of is Micheal Caine.