Glastonbury or, if you’re a simpering, lisping idiot – ‘Glasto’ – is a festival of suffering. It truly is a place where all the world’s denied misery congregates to wave badly made flags at worthy bands playing woefully crafted songs.
Yep, the annual hugfest for pie-eyed do-gooders rolls around each year, leaving everyone imagining a unique spirit and putting on their best concerned faces when walking by the charity stalls while eating battery cow burgers and pretending to give two shits about Summer Solstice.
That’s if you get there in the first place because, as those who want to go but can’t, they’re shaking their fists angrily at the sky thanks to Glastonbury’s ’90s ticketing system which has left literally hundreds of thousands of chumps without a ticket as the 2011 show sold out just over four hours.
The tickets, which were being sold through Seetickets (which means that Glastonbury organisers went for a company that’s probably as awful as Ticketmaster, but don’t get nearly as much bad publicity, so they don’t have to worry about people calling them ‘corporate bastards’, despite the fact the hugely successful Eavis cattle family clearly are), all got gobbled up by baby-boomers and their horrid spawn by the time the clock turned 1.15pm.
In a statement on the site and their official Twitter account, Michael and Emily Eavis thanked punters for their patience with the booking system.
They said:
“We’re very sorry to those of you who didn’t get tickets, and acknowledge there were some issues with the website/phoneline due to the sheer volume of people trying to get through.”
Nice of them to say sorry we guess, but where they get off charging ?195 per ticket is another matter, when basically, Glastonbury offers nothing over the other festivals on the circuit. Nothing.
Seriously. If you want to spend a weekend feeling dismal in a field full of bad henna tattoos, blokes with dogs on strings and stag-dos trying to fend off an overdose in a tent, all soundtracked by some NME approved schmindie band who are the clarion call for why rock is so very obviously dead, then you can do it for much cheaper elsewhere.
You can try and register today in the hope of snaffling some cancelled tickets today in the resales, but really, you’re better advised to simply stick your head in a metal bin while people shout “BOOLLLLOOOOCCKS!” around you with someone playing Brandon Flowers new album really quietly through the speaker on their phone. Then piss yourself.
Founder Michael Eavis has previously said that he will announce the three confirmed Glastonbury headliners once all tickets have sold out.
This year’s Glastonbury festival headliners are definitely going to be – No-one cares apart from snivelling fucks like Edith Bowman.
Max says
Fuck me, you’ve got some emo issues! Relax and smile.
Wade says
I can tell someone has never experienced shangri’la at 3AM on a head full of acid. Your article makes you seem like the generic Fuck that does nothing but moan.
msjaneistrouble says
awww did someone miss out on a ticket and is now throwing their toys out of the sandpit?
@moss022 says
hahah this is the funniest piece of nonsense i have ever read
you need to get a lofe mate
sam tan says
I found this article informative. Are you telling people not to try for the re-sale so you cam snap one up without competition?
Maxwell Edison says
You don’t mention having ever been to Glastonbury Festival in your insightful post. I have been eight times, and can quite definitely say you’re full of shit.
I think you’re a bitter, fucked up individual who missed out on tickets and this is your way of dealing with it.
You won’t be missed.
Amy says
Have you ever been!? Dogs are banned, and never seen, I’ve never seen a stag do, selling 135000 tickets on a non-corporate website is impossible, and it’s hippie roots are intact in specific areas. I’d give it a go before mouthing off!
Si says
I think his mum said he couldn’t even though all his mates are….
Carla says
Sorry, you’ll have to try and decipher what I’m saying through my lisp…
Knob.
Rob says
This is a really well written piece, ably cutting through the media hype around Glastonbury and getting to the real issued: Dogs on strings. I would like to applaud the author on such a well observed and utterly important article.
Smudge says
Clearly you are a sad, miserable fuckwit who wouldn’t know how to have a good time if it were handed to you in a pill!! I will be going to Glastonbury. Thankfully, I take it you won’t! Go find a life you neanderthal :/
James says
Best festival in the world! Theres always going to be people left without tickets however they are sold. Its better than letting touts get them and then having to pay even more for them. Ridiculous article.
Ellie says
Buriedbones says
Wow, that has to be the laziest piece of journalism ever.
Litter with errors in spelling, grammar and research, it has no merits other than it serves to make you look like a clown.
Pitiful.
This Reality Podcast says
Glastonbury used to be really good. Over a spread of 15 years I’ve got nine paying visits under my belt and one weekend working on a food-stall.
Glastonbury has slid down the hill in to a pile of its own shit. It has become all about ‘the festival experience’ with a huge amount of attendees having little or no knowledge of what ‘the festival experience’ really is. Sickeningly, Glastonbury seems to have become just another notch on the bed-post of life, with many attendees not taking the festival seriously enough – whilst taking themselves far too seriously.
With the advent of Mean Fiddler, the musical content of Glastonbury has become dominated by the major record labels, to the extent that even quality indie labels don’t get a real shot at getting their acts on-stage.
And if you’re from a top quality self-released or unsigned band, you have to go in to the pot and take part in a completely fucking ridiculous X-Factor-style competition; the sole winning act will get a slot at the festival.
Sony BMG, HMV, EMI – they all now rule the musical geography at Glastonbury and, ironically, the people who are losing out are the consumers – the festival goers.
But they’re too busy having ‘the festival experience’ to realise that they’re being treated like battery hens – trussed up and fed utter shit – instead of being given a massive free-range of musical goodness.
Paul Holmes says
The main stages aren’t booked by Mean Fiddler. The remaining 60+ stages are booked by a plethora of independent bookers, resulting in 1000+ acts performing.
The idea that there is some shadowy monolothic booking overlord is something that exists solely in your head.
Admit it. You’ve actually no idea how bands are booked for Glastonbury.
That’s correct, yes?