Oooh! Look! Another video has premiered on the internet! And it looks expensive too! In the age of rampant illegal downloading, how on Earth can these poor record companies afford to spend so much on a promotional video of a song no-one will end up buying?!
Probably something to do with the fact that people actually do still buy records and the whole ‘illegal downloading’ thing doesn’t seem like much of an issue these days.
Anyway, the latest popstar to show off their expensive video is Katy Perry with her ET track which features humble rapper, Kanye West. And of course, we’d like to poke it with a stick like the rotting body of a Roswell finding.
As ever, before we kick off with the snarkiness and lazy reference points, we’d like to give you the chance to watch Katy Perry’s ‘ET’ video first.
You know how this works right?
Click the play button on the embedded video and then keep your eyes and ears open for as long as necessary and then try to remember what you’ve seen and create what is known as ‘a recent memory’. Okay? Good you watch the video, there’s a good sport.
And so, did you notice what we noticed?
First off, the video starts with all our dreams come true – Kanye West banished from Earth, cut adrift in space in some airless bubble surrounded by nothing more than his own lazy rhymes and staggering lack of flow. It is only a matter of time before Kanye becomes so thoroughly pleased with himself that he begins to eat his own torso and ceases to exist.
But wait! Kanye is being watched by an androgynous alien sort floating around his space bubble like some galactic detritus. The alien in question resembles mozzarella peering out of a tattered bin bag flapping from a tree-branch.
But look! It was Katy Perry all along! And, for the occasion, she’s dressed up as the lovechild of Queen Amidala from Star Wars and Michael Stipe! Better yet, she’s bought along her licorice necklace for us all to stare at. And licorice is the most disgusting food ever dreamt up.
Sadly for Russell Brand’s wife, she has a horrible allergic reaction to licorice which reveals itself in awful cataracts, clouding up her eyes so they go all milky like an old dog waiting to be given a lethal injection.
Of course, having heard about Britain’s NHS service, she floats to Earth to get some eye-treatment. The place in Britain with the worst eyesight, and thereby, the best doctors to treat such ailments, is Middlesbrough. Sadly for Perry, she wasn’t aware of the fact that Middlesbrough is a rancid, desolate industrial wasteland.
And it is here, in Middlesbrough, that Perry finds the now surplus-to-requirements robot who advertised about the Digital Switchover that was rolled out across Britain. Now we’re all digital, the little robot is left to die on the streets on the North East, spat at by roguish children with yellowed, nicotine stained fingers. Katy Perry is rather saddened by this, naturally.
The video then cuts away to two Middlesbrough natives, having sex nearby.
But no matter! Darnell from Big Brother has appeared on Boro (see?), ready to give Katy Perry a big ol’ kiss right on her face lips! What a guy!
And luckily for Perry, someone has left “Human Sunglasses” for Perry, as Darnell’s albino skin glares horribly in the dead sun of Middlesbrough.
Looking cool in her shades, faced with the most handsome man to ever grace the streets of the North East, Perry does what any woman would do and takes all her clothes to have intercourse in the streets, just like those simians from earlier! Alas, Perry has a secret – she’s got deer legs!
That’s nothing to worry about because, all along, Darnell from Big Brother wasn’t wearing any trousers anyway and, frankly, will take anything he can get. They walk off into the post-apocalyptic sun of the Teeside to rut like barnyard animals and drink 20/20 on a street corner. Awwww!