Think back a moment, if you will, to the last seriously terrifying nightmare you had. What exactly did it entail? Being chased across a lake of petrol by a grinning madman with a cigarette lighter? Fighting off legions of red-eyed spider-wasps – the horrifying result of genetic splicing – as they swarm over the planet?
Working all your life for a car company before corporate corruption throws you onto the street, angry and jobless (hang on a minute …)?
Well, forget them all. Here’s the killer, ladies and gentleman, the nastiest of all the nasties. Ready?
Darkness (CDs) frontman Justin Hawkins is to release a solo album.
As if The Darkness – a band determined to dress up like the world’s most high-profile bunch of child molesters – weren’t bad enough, Justin has announced that his album ‘British Wail’ will be hitting shelves soon … a promise akin to that of the Four Horseman Of The Apocalypse telling us they’ll ‘be back in town before too long.’
‘It’s a lot less rock than the band stuff,’ the 27-year-old (yeah, right) warbled to Sun reporters. ‘There’s a lot more synths. I suppose you could call it luxurious rock.”
Well, yes, Justin. You could call it that if you wanted. But surely ‘massive stinking pile of absolute utter shit’ would be a more apt description. Or how about ‘festering cesspit of godawful bollock-peddling’? Take your pick. Seriously … either one is good with us.
‘The first single is a cover of the Sparks (CDs) tune This Town Ain’t Big Enough For Both Of Us, Justin has also revealed.
Hmm. On a sheer wrongness scale of 1 – 10, the very thought of that screeching moron (who looks undeniably like a tranvestite Ally McBeal (DVDs) going through a ‘difficult’ period with the hormone tablets) massacring a song like that rates somewhere around 65,000. Okay, okay, that might be an exaggeration … maybe 64,999. 64,998 at a pinch.
But – like so many things in this horrible world – there’s always another level of badness bubbling under. That’s right, folks – not only is this monstrosity to be unleashed onto the world, it is to be unleashed within two months of the second Darkness album.
Okay, people. Stay calm. Breath deeply. We can get through this. Come on … we can survive this if we try ….. we just have to be there for each other. Everybody link hands. Everybody ….
Oh, apart from you, Justin. You yodelling buffoon.
The NME Shed More Light On This Tragedy
[story by C J Davies]
Evan says
It would be nice if you were not so arrogant in your reporting, Have you heard any of his songs? “NO”. So please tell me how you have the right judgement?
hecklerspray says
Actually the hecklerspray camp is split when it comes to The Darkness and I for one adore the mighty Sparks. Justin’s voice polarises – you love it or hate it, so each to his own, eh?
Katie says
First of all why are you having a go at his stuff when you’ve heard non of it?? He said it’s a lot different to the stuff the darkness did and you obviously hate the darkness so as it’s different you might like it so why don’t you give it a chance?
Yeah.. Justin isn’t 27 he’s 30 and if you’d been bothered to look up anything before you written his piece of sh*t, i mean, article you would’ve known that… obviously research is an unknown word to you.
Tippy says
Davies – your lack of spelling ability says it all. Go back to school and learn how to write.
CJDavies says
Well, this certainly sparked a few bonfires, didn’t it?
dr fink says
You’re taking mortar fire CJ but I can’t stand the daftness of Hawkins, though he is a funny fucker.
I’m betting with your chips that his solo album will sound like a cross between PhD and ‘soft’ Thin Lizzy.
sarah says
I thought this article was quite fuuny even though I am a huge fan of The Darkness. You have to give them some credit but I think it is about time they released a new song because im sick of listening to ‘I believe in thing called love’ being shouted around my house!
kerrie blyth says
hey i love i believe in a thing called love its soo cool and gd luck justin for solo i no uve had a sad time love ya kerrie ur bro and u are fit lol no reli