He had an advice column. That went wrong. He had a promising film career. That went wrong. He had a believable cockney accent. That went spectacularly wrong, to the extent that when Danny Dyer now talks he sounds like a troubling cross between Sylvester Stallone, Dick Van Dyke and a violent brain haemorrhage. And now Danny Dyer drives cars.
That’s gone wrong too. Danny Dyer, you see, doesn’t have a driving license. And that mean that he’s liable to plough into other cars, or buildings, or simply fall asleep at the… oh, hang on, no, that’s George Michael we’re thinking of. Ever so sorry.
To be fair to Danny Dyer, driving around in a car that he has no license for ranks pretty low on the list of Stupid Things That Danny Dyer Has Done. It’s not quite hiding in a CCTV-filled nightclub car park to snort a mysterious white powder. It’s not using an advise column in a nationally-distributed magazine to advocate the act of cutting your girlfriend’s face with a razor. And it’s definitely not any film that Danny Dyer has ever made. But, make no mistake, it’s still quite stupid. The Sun reports:
Danny Dyer flouts the law by driving a flashy motor – even though he has never passed his test. We caught Dyer, 32, repeatedly getting behind the wheel of a Porsche Cayenne 4X4. One day he drove alone on a motorway on a 23-mile trip to a gym from his home in Loughton, Essex. The next day he again went out without a qualified driver to accompany him – for an hour.
And if that’s not bad enough, The Sun also reports that Danny Dyer also drove a woman and some children to Epping Forest, where they went for a bit of a walk. This may be the single most sickening piece of news that we’ve ever heard. Danny Dyer should be bloody well locked up.
Obviously, though, you can understand why Danny Dyer never bothered to pass his driving test. The theory test would have stumped him silly. Take this question, for instance:
Someone is standing on the pavement waiting to cross a zebra crossing. You should:
a) Drive past before they can step onto the crossing
b) Stop before the zigzag lines and let the person cross
c) Stop and let the person cross the road
d) Ignore the person because there is no entitlement to cross until they step on the crossing.
By the time Danny Dyer had managed to scrawl “E) shout ‘oi you proper fucking muppet mug’ at the geezer and then cut his girlfriend’s face so she learns her lesson” underneath it, the time would be up. Who’d want to put him through something like that?