Religion is a fascinating thing isn't it? Whilst Christians, Muslims, Sikhs and the mentalist Scientologists all bicker over who is right, they are united by one thing ? practising terrible and archaic teachings.
Practically everything else in the world has developed and modernised, such as transport and communication. We reckon that if Jesus was alive today, he'd have been crucified on a wind turbine.
Whilst the Christian church hasn't asked us yet, we reckon we could pen a mean 2011 remix edition of the Bible, giving the holy book a connection with today's modern day mortal. As technical God, editor Mof could rattle off a load of ukulele based hymns whilst the rest of us try to work out how we?d cut the umbilical cord of a baby with a plastic fork. Once the finer details are ironed, feel free to Paypal us your ?150 membership fee. Until then, traditional religion will have to do, claiming another celebrity victim, Daniella Westbrook. Sorry, member.
Over in America land, Religion is a massive thing. Almost as big as the waistlines of the people who attend Church services every Sunday. We missed out on that experience when we we're growing up. Depending on your preference, a sermon conducted by a vicar or priest would tell us stories about massive boats full of animals whilst some bloke did all sorts of crazy magic tricks. Homosexuals are later berated and branded as the devil, all before proceedings are finished.
You?ll go home feeling the like the spirit of the lord has penetrated your soul, whilst some church leaders literally drill their teachings into their long suffering choirboys.
To us, Christianity is kind of like the sauces of Heinz. Not because the red of the ketchup symbolises Jesus? blood, but because there are so many varieties. From wonky suicidal cults to faith healing, there's probably an offshoot of Christianity for you. Born Again Christians are a particular breed of people who wake up one day and decide that they want to be happy clappy Bible bashers who either knock on your door for donations or stand in the street proclaiming the world will end in three months time.
This particular group seems to be for the individual who has messed up their life in the past, but wants to make amends. Daniella Westbrook is one such person who did have a prominent role in depressing BBC soap, Eastenders. Playing the role of Sam Mitchell, fame must have gone to her head, and then up her nose as she started tooting cocaine to the point where her nose fell off. However, she now has Jeebus.
Danniella said:
“I have given my life to the Lord. The first time I came to this church, I felt -something so spiritual and amazing, I wanted to cry. After a few visits I found myself walking up to the altar to ask the Lord for forgiveness for my sins.It was an incredible ?experience. I have realised that there have been things I have struggled with, like guilt, that I would have never found a solution for. Because there are things that a therapist cannot give me – that I can only get from Jesus Christ.”
But surely there is some sort of induction process to make you a proper Born Again Christian? It can't be easy as just walking in to a Church, knocking back a goblet of wine and dressing in a sheet? Because we're not religious nutters, we can only imagine that an individual has to lie down on the floor of a church while the congregation wrap potential members in ripped up pages of the Bible until a caterpillar like cocoon is formed. When oxygen is expelled, the cleansing of the person’s soul is complete.
We've yet to find God; it seems he/she/it a tricky one to capture. The last time we checked down the back of the sofa, we found a 17p in change and a dried condom. Perhaps God is testing us?
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Alexandra Ackerman says
It always makes me sad when someone feels the need to completely belittle what they don’t even want to understand. Isn’t that what you’re protesting in this article to begin with? That religions are stupid because they don’t understand, learn about, or take into account the modern world? I’ve never understood why people who don’t want to be a part of religion have an issue with what other people use to get them through their lives.
If you had any inclination at all to actually see what it’s all about, I’d suggest looking into the United Church of Christ. It’s one of those “varieties” that, despite what you claim here, has evolved with the modern times. By the way, one of the reasons for those varieties is that some congregations and church have actually chosen to modernize, while others have not. Yes, there’s a “flavor” to fit everyone, but I don’t view that as a negative. It puts people in a comfort zone. There’s nothing wrong with that. I love the true UCC because it welcomes everyone and does not involve many of the things you’ve berated here.
I could be wrong, but I don’t believe there’s any kind of cocoon-making involved when you’re welcomed in. At least not at my church…hmm. Maybe we should look into that, it sounds kinds of fun.
Raf Fak says
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John C says
The fault for the world’s inability to live at peace with one another has so much more to do with the demands laid out by each human heart to be the centre of the universe than because of any one belief system. Selfishness is the root of greed, hatred, all manner of abuse and every other form of putting someone else down, physically or intellectually. But yeah, blaming our rudimentary evolutionary state for the world’s problems and looking forward to the day when it’s just the cold hard facts of a world of mere material and NOTHING else may help you sleep at night. But that is only because it absolves you from needing to ever answer for our address the blame that lies at your feet for screwing up our earth and the families on it…yours included. I am just as much to blame…but at least I know it and don’t look to point the finger…. Hypocrite!
Cookie Monster says
Reading that there quote has given me an idea. My cult shall be The Church of Unified Nitrous-oxide Transcendental Love (The CUNT Love, if you will). C’mon in and feel the rapture, everyone! Grab a balloon full of the gas of Garcia and have a good long suck, my children. Maybe your dentist has already performed the ceremony, but your therapist hasn’t unlocked the source of your guilt and shame yet! Why wait? Join now! Feel the spiritual and amazing stuff splash across your smiling face!
DavidW says
Your world view is the source and root of ALL screw-ups, and you are truly ill-informed, my myopic friend; by “progress”, I assume you mean “science” that crosses human and animal genetic material just to see what happens; there is no other ethic than that! Or let’s talk about “human rights”, like the right to have people arrested because you don’t agree with what they’ve said, despite our ancestors fighting and dying for the right to free-speech, often against the same “right-on, promise everything, give nothing(except death)”utopian tyrants that you probably want to defend as “misunderstood”; A quote from Voltaire, “I do not agree with what you have to say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it”; don’t lose sight of the fact that Stalin’s Atheistic Soviet state, which was responsible for the matter-of -factual butchery of 20 million of it’s own citizens on a paranoiac whim, started with the idealistic “call to freedom” that you wistfully talk about as leading to an “evolved” and “better” world. Not when mankind ALONE has anything to do with it, mate!! And “social justice” is seen by such as you as doled out on the basis of what a person can or can’t do, not what intrinsic value the have as a person; witness the slow but sure decline in the perceived value of life – abortion of a child on the basis that they’ll have a cleft palette, the steady erosion of the relevance of the elderly through self-serving notions on euthanasia, and the unaffordability of old-age, attacking Christians for their beliefs at every opportunity (even when you were the one who brought it up) whilst not having the moral courage to confront Muslims on theirs, constantly living in a state of moral, ethical, and spiritual poverty, then blaming everyone else (including those dratted, do-gooding Christians), for the fact that you and others continue to never have enough. You’re a complainer, and I will wait-and-see where your “progress” prescription leads, but give me the Lord every time; I’m pleased about Daniella finding Jesus, but the best thing is that He never left her, and He will always stand by YOU, whether you like it or not, and He will come back to claim His own;
God Bless you, …………….in spite of yourself