Princess Diana was the Queen of our Hearts. Apparently. Quite why, no-one has ever really said. It would appear that she’s attained a lofty position in our affections because she was reasonably good looking and joined the glamorous Died Too Young Club.
Of course, if she’s in heaven looking down on us all, it is fair to say no-one wants to stand near her because half of her head is missing after she redecorated the inside of a French tunnel.
But what would she look like if she’d lived? Well, there’s no need to try and imagine that now as Newsweek have decided to recreate her with the miracle of computer software and plastered her wizened face on their front cover. No. Seriously. They have. Click over the jump to see her Royal Liverspottery.
Newsweek have decided to speculate about what Princess Diana might be doing at 50 years old. Apparently, she’d have ‘It’s Complicated’ as her Facebook relationship status (presuming she would still be with Al Fayed’s son, it is fair to say nothing would be straightforward with a man who has built a horrifying effigy of Michael Jackson outside Fulham FC’s football ground) and would be hanging around like a groovy wrinklemama with Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, who would’ve been her daughter-in-law.
Maybe she would’ve given her tips on how to stay slim by puking up your lunch by discretely sticking your fingers down One’s Throat?
Newsweek paint a bizarre picture of Diana, noting that:
‘Fashion-wise, Diana would have gone the J Crew and Galliano route a la Michelle Obama, always knowing how to mix the casual with the glam.
‘There is no doubt she would have kept her chin taut with strategic Botox shots and her bare arms buff from the gym.’
The piece also adds that:
‘After so many loves and losses, she would finally have let go of her rancour toward Camilla.
The story also suggests that Diana would also have been ‘poked’ on Facebook by French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Seriously. Make your own jokes up there.
Of course, we think that this is a crock of cack. It’s obvious that Princess Diana would’ve been ravaged by worry and stress, continually hounded by the paparazzi, prompting her to become a Howard Hughes-esque recluse, hitting the sauce and cigars as her only solace, and turning her back on a fashion world that seemingly loves Hitler.
As such, sliding into a desperate decline, Diana would break-up like bread in stagnant water, leaving her unrecognisable to the general public, allowing her to roam freely amongst us undetected. The loss of fame would see Diana turning to the last resort of sex with strangers in a bid to feel loved.
She would age prematurely and be found toking on expensive cigars, sent as gestures of goodwill by James Hewitt (star of Diana’s 2018 sex-tape), lonely in doorways, waiting to take advantage of ‘the kindness of strangers’.
She would die at 62 years old in an Inverness bedsit surrounded by dead rodents who choked on her sinewy cadaver. Dr Conrad Murray would be somehow implicated in her death after he is found cowering in a sewer clutching her preserved knees and a flank of skin from her back which contains Diana’s ‘THUG LIFE’ tattoo.
HAPPY 50th LADY DIANA!
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Eloise says
One Min She Looks 30 The Next She Looks 29 And So And So On It Is Weird But I Just Think Its A Lot Of Make Up Making Her Look Young And Old.
Cookie Monster says
From your comment, I’m trying to understand if you realize that the old bird is dead (insert dialogue from the dead parrot sketch). My jury is still out, while I believe that yours was hung a la David Carradine.