Christina Aguilera Breaks Down Terrorist Suspects

Pierced popster Christina Aguilera (CDs) has reportedly been used to ‘break down’ terrorist suspects at Guantanamo Bay. Not her personally, you understand, just her songs. We doubt they could afford her fee.

Despite a potential April Fools timewarp situation occurring this story is solid. Time Magazine reported the Aguilera/terrorist connection, and everyone knows they’re more credible than California court verdict.

Time has got hold of an official document regarding the treatment of the so-named ‘20th Hijacker’ Mohammed al Qahtani, engaged participant in the 9/11 attacks.

The document included descriptions of al Qahtani’s torture that included ‘Invasion of Space by a Female’, "mild, non-injurious physical contact", a satirical puppet show (!), cold water as an alarm clock, and bump n’grind queen Christina Aguilera turned up full blast to keep him awake all night.

If human rights are your thing you’re probably not gonna be best pleased about this. And there’s plenty more waiting to hit the headlines too. That official document was eighty-four pages long.

Al Qahtani’s ‘breaking’ took place over fifty days from November 2002 to January 2003, with all interrogation techniques approved by US Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld.

Is 9/11 justification enough for terrorist suspect investigation by any means? The perpetrated becoming the perpetrators? This is the kind of debate that attracts anyone who can swear imaginatively at a keyboard to give their opinion. Like it’s ultimately gonna make a blind bit of difference, kids.

Put it this way though, how would you rather wake up? With water dripping on your head or having Christina Aguilera blaring in your eardrums?

Anyone who’s ever lived in student accommodation can testify that you get used to the former.

[story by Chris Laverty]