Chinese Democracy: Axl Rose Bribed With Fizzy Goodness
Axl Rose has been working on Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy for 14 years now, and in the absence of a release date, the big guns have been brought out.
OK, not really the big guns as such. The fizzy syrup that rots your teeth and tastes a bit like metal. Lots and lots of the fizzy syrup that rots your teeth and tastes a bit like metal. That instead of the big guns.
Fizzy drink company Dr Pepper has promised a free can of Dr Pepper to everyone in America if Guns N' Roses release Chinese Democracy in 2008. What people do with it is up to them – they can either immerse themselves in the exhilarating complex effervescence of Dr Pepper or pound the unopened can against their temple until they're unconscious because they'd rather suffer blunt force trauma than hear what a letdown Chinese Democracy is.
The thing about great lost albums is that there's usually a reason why they're lost in the first place. Take Smile, for instance – for 35 years Beach Boys fans frothed and bickered about how great it really was, and then when it was released in 2004 everyone listened to it once, pulled a 'that's a bit self-indulgent' face and never played it again.
And that's Smile, for christ's sake – The Album That Made Brian Wilson Mad. Compare that to the long-delayed Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy – The Album That Made Axl Rose Quite Fat at best. Chances are that whatever kernel of quality was created in the inception of Chinese Democracy was tinkered with and overdubbed into a narcissistic $13 million mess of Shaquille O'Neal guest-raps nine or ten years ago, but people still get excited by the prospect of its release.
Most recently it was promised that Chinese Democracy would be released in 2006, but that didn't happen. Then a 2007 Chinese Democracy release date came and went and everything fell silent again, roughly around the same time that Chinese Democracy was going to redefine the term 'bloated'.
But some people still want to hear what kind of flabby, directionless mess Axl Rose has come up with and, oddly enough, they all work for Dr Pepper. Knowing that just about the only thing that can tempt Axl Rose out of his cave is the promise of oddly-tasting carbonated muck, Dr Pepper has offered a free can of drink to everyone in America if Rose can get himself together enough to release Chinese Democracy this year. Reuters reports:
Now, Dr Pepper thinks it's up to the challenge. The soft drink company says it will give a free can of Dr Pepper to "everyone in America" (excluding ex-Guns members Slash and Buckethead) if "Chinese Democracy" arrives anytime during the calendar year 2008. Rose responded on his band's web site that the band was "surprised and very happy to have the support of Dr Pepper." But the offer did not prompt him to rose to the challenge.
Of course, it'll never happen. Axl Rose seems so far down the rabbit hole with Chinese Democracy at this point that the only way we'll ever get to hear it is if Axl Rose suddenly dies and his record label releases a deluxe-packaged 90-CD box set of the Chinese Democracy sessions, 86 CDs of which will just be the sound of Axl Rose making infinitesimal alterations on a flange pedal for hours on end.
But, hey, what is it with soft drink companies taunting pop groups today? First Pepsi makes Billy Corgan throw a tantrum and now Dr Pepper is teasing Guns N' Roses? At this rate Panda Pops will have made one of Scouting For Girls cry by sundown. Please let's not allow this atrocity to happen. Not on our watch.
Read more:
Is Axl Rose is waiting to set a release date for the day when actual Chinese democracy arrives in China?
Enjoying the blog! Keep it up.
I’m so mad at this point tha i wont say a f*ckin’ word i’ll leave it all to Axl….
You got your b*tches with
the silicone injections
Crystal meth and yeast infections
Bleached blond hair, collagen lip projections
Who are you to criticize my intentions
Got your subtle manipulative devices
Just like you I got my vices
I got a thought that would be nice
I’d like to crush your head tight in my vice
Pain!!
And that goes for all you punks in the press
That want to start shit by printin’ lies
Instead of the things we said
That means you
Stuart Heritage at
hecklerspray.com
Mick Wall at Kerrang
Bob Guccione Jr. at Spin,
What you pissed off cuz your dad gets more
p*ssy than you?
F*ck you
Suck my f*ckin’ d*ck
You be rippin’ off the f*ckin’ kids
While they be payin’ their hard earned
money to read about the bands
They want to know about
Printin’ lies startin’ controversy
You wanta antagonize me
Antagonize me motherf*cker
Get in the ring motherf*cker
And I’ll kick your b*tchy little *ss
Punk
By the way i don’t agree with this article. W.Axl Rose will release the album in 2008 and it’s going to get lot’s of sells maybe more than Appetite for Destruction.
nice article… douchebag
fuck you and your fake ass magazine
LMAO!!! Did you see what he did, dammit thats so clever, he put Stuart’s name in his little song, now thats comedy!!!
Axl fan boys make me smile, bless you all you deluded fukin idiots. Lets face it there was only one decent GnR album, I’ll give you two if you made a mix tape of the few decent tunes from both Use Your Illusion discs.
No I didn’t see that. Hey XMr.BrownstoneX, I’m not going to read that. Ever. Probably no one will.
A straight edger who uses a euphemism for heroin as his ‘tag’? Oh, the delicious, cretinous irony.
Yes, I’m sure it will get “lot’s of sells”.
You see, Mr. Brownstain, as an industry insider
knows that DiC (Democracy in China – pretty clever, hunh?)
is actually all about real estate. Specifically, selling lots.
In China, mind. Now, that’s cutting-edge. Or should I say,
Now’s that cuting edges.
ACtually, stasbby, x’s don’t mean straight edge anymore. The symbolism has been co-opted by the hardcore (hxc) community (cxmmunity) at large (xxxl), and thus you can safely assume that anytime you see an x it is standing in for whitespace.
Ah, so that would explain why there are so many posi smackheads knocking about H+M these days.
i’m crying. What a funny freaking article. The jury’s still out on which is funnier, though: the article, or the drooling retards that responded in all their pimply-faced, post adolescent fury. Having watched them drop Thor’s juvenile hammer I must say, I’m thoroughly titilated.