Countless false starts and the unnerving feeling she’d never leave have taught us to be cautious. This time however Cher (CD) really is going, retiring forever to a life of needlework and coupon cutting. Trust us, even Cher doesn’t change her outfit twelve times in one gig unless something important is occurring.
If you never knew seeing a G-string could make you physically sick, try catching sight of Cher in one. Something must be wrong because she’s had so much plastic surgery that her arse cheeks are actually perfect, and yet still we retch. Must be something to do with a woman older than Dracula wearing something so small. It’s icky.
We probably won’t ever have to see Cher wearing anything other than a towelling dressing gown while she’s papped collecting her morning OJ ever again. Following the climax of her three-year international farewell tour she’s saying goodbye for good.
Hang on a mo, three years?! We all know the elderly move slow but that’s just being downright lazy.
A sold out crowd saw her off like a soon to be cremated coffin at the Hollywood Bowl on Saturday. Cher was in surprisingly good sprits, being that in a couple of years of not reading about her in the paper most people will just assume she’s passed on in her sleep.
"I’m approaching 80, and if I did that thing everyone does, come back in five years, I’d be driving around in one of those carts you know, the ones with the joysticks you see in Costco.”
At least Cher’s got her own number there. However we do suspect it’s one of those cleverly wry comments it’s okay to laugh along to though never actually agree with. Like moaning about your partner’s mother. It’s fine for them to do it, but…
"There are two reasons people come back. Because, like the Stones, they’re broke. Again. Or they’re old divas who can’t wait to be out among their adoring fans. But this, this truly is it."
Cher was dressed in what looked like an inside out polar bear complimented by a fetching Egyptian headdress. This was probably a sly nod to all the see-through, feather boa’d, rejected for be being too flamboyant at the Mardi Gras, Holiday on Ice, black spandex crud she’s worn over the years. Or maybe she just saw it in the sales down Quality Seconds.
Not that Cher’s always been such a joke (even a self-referential one). Back in the 60’s and 70’s she was brilliant. Looking gorgeous with her long hippie hair and pagan style dresses. She was like a Hammer Horror (DVD) bride without the all the pointy teeth and death. At least not until the mid-1980’s anyway.
Reinvented as a gay icon, more vocoder than woman, Cher took every step she could to see herself made the butt of every decent transvestite joke ever created. And as for all that Jackson-beating plastic surgery, where do you start?
Her ultimate stage fling ended with endless nostalgia clips on giant video screens. Just Cher and her buddies Elton John (CD), the Muppets (DVD), David Bowie (CD), Ray Charles (CD) and the like. People she’ll sadly never see again. Then it was onto a triumphant rendition of U2‘s ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’ and, in a final realisation of impeding oblivion, Cher got all over excited and threw off the polar bear to reveal – yep, you guessed it – a G-string.
Class to the last.
Don’t waste your time telling us she was a wonderful camp classic (that’s already gone to Gloria Gaynor‘s wailing head), Cher spent the last twenty years being utterly repellent (Oscar winning acting a momentary exception). We’re all better off without her.
Let’s just hope she stays down this time.
[story by Chris Laverty]
Thanks for the story, guys. I was just sitting here at my computer, innocently browsing the web while having a little lunch, when I ran headfirst into your article about Cher in a G-string. Wonderful. Now I won’t be able to eat for days.
General Pubic says
You need a stomach made of iron in the modern times, Cordelia. Always start the day with porridge when there is a Cher story in the air.