Ah, Monday. The day of the week in which you try to cast off the weekend hangover, wishing in vain that you could magically transfer all your illnesses to someone you hate (a bit like that bloke in the new Irvine Welsh novel).
Still… Monday isn't all bad. Because that's the day when hecklerspray brings you its very own Celebrity Haiku Competition – YOUR chance to write a snappy little poem about a particularly topical celebrity story.
This week our celebrity target is Pirate-portrayin' actorly-type Johnny Depp.
But first let's deal with the small matter of last week's winner.
Last week – in what was our biggest ever haiku response, pointless-statistic fans – we set the challenge: write the best haiku about Mel Gibson and his drink-driving, Jew-hating shenanigans.
The winner was a gentleman named Miles Lott, whose superb ditty ran thus:
Mel Opens His Mouth
Jew this and Sugar Tits that
What A Drunk Bastard
Well done, sir. You've won our special prize – a whole goddamn six-pack of delicious Chewits (or possibly Fruitella, depending on which brand the corner shop stocks). Send us your details and we'll post you your sweeties.
Want to win your own multipack of sweets? Of course you do. And here's how: simply write the best haiku about this week's topic:
Johnny Depp has recorded an album of Sea Shanties to tie in with the next Pirates Of The Caribbean film.
Just remember the golden rule of haiku – five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables. An 'example' – based on the above 'story' – would go something like this:
Hollywood Film Star
Records Novelty Album?
What a shit idea
Now, we know for a fact that you can do better than that. Why not prove it by dropping your entry in the comments box below?
[story by C J Davies]