Celebrity Haiku Competition: Foolish Naked Noel Edmonds

What's more rubbish than a Monday? We certainly can't think of anything. Oh - apart from Oliver Stone's World Trade Centre, which hecklerspray can now confirm is the worst attempt at 'creative expression' in the history of mankind.

What we're trying to say is this: Mondays are rubbish. So rubbish, in fact, that we were actually a little bit worried that several of you may try to take your own lives in weep-stained fits of unbridled despair.

Which is why we invented our weekly feature Celebrity Haiku Competition - a shining beacon amidst a sea of real-life mundanity (we did consider calling it At Last You Peasants Have Something To Live For, but felt that it just wasn't quite punchy enough).

For those of you yet to experience Celebrity Haiku Competition - yeah, probably all too busy with your 'lives' and 'jobs' and 'girlfriends', we expect - the notion is simple. Each and every week we challenge you to write the bestest-ever Haiku about a topical celebrity story.

This week we're looking silly old beard-wearer Noel Edmonds, who's suddenly decided to admit that he drives cars around at 186mph. Naked.

But first let's have a gander at last week's winner…

Seven short days ago, we asked you, darling readers, to scribble down a haiku about the fact that actor-man Jack Nicholson took the novel step of wearing a strap-on dildo for an entire scene in new Scorsese flick The Departed.

Well - after literally seven entries - we've decided that the winner was a gentleman known as Thargor The Badger Slayer, for this stellar effort:

hmmm, a strap-on eh?
probably works better than
his shrivelled old cock.

Well done, Thargor. Cruel, effective and quite possibly leaving us open to legal action. That's the way we like 'em.

"But wait!" you ask yourselves. "What does Thargor win for such a feat of poetic endeavour?" By Christ - the same prize we have up for grabs every week, that's what.

A whole six-pack of Chewits.

That's right. Thargor could be snacking down on six varieties of chewy sweets in a matter of hours. The insanely lucky bastard. So… what about you? Don't you fancy winning big, just like him? Damn right you do. And here's how: simply come up with the best Haiku about this week's topical celebrity story:

TV Presenter Noel Edmonds has been criticised by safety groups after boasting about climbing in his car and zooming around streets at 186mph. In the effing nude.

Can't you just imagine his speeding gnomelike face? And don't you just wanna write a poem about it? Just bear in mind the golden rule of Haiku - five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables - and you can.

And - as always, because we love you all more than, like, eight billion sunbeams - we're going to provide you with an example:

'Deal Or No Deal' Host

Claims That He Is Proud Of

Driving Like A Twat 

Now, we know for a fact that you can do better than that. And you can prove it by placing your entries in the comments box below…

Read More:

Anger Over Noel Edmonds' 186mph Naked Drive Boast - This Is London

[story by C J Davies]