We have some sad news for you all – it’s the final of Celebrity Big Brother 2009 tonight.
Are we sad because we don’t know what we’ll do with our lives once it’s finished? No, we’re sad because – unless a flaming airship containing nothing but elephants and naked go-go dancers crashes into the house within the next 12 hours – this will go down in history as the dullest-ever Celebrity Big Brother. That’s right, even duller than the one Anthea Turner did.
But still, let’s see out Celebrity Big Brother by looking at the chances of winning for Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer…
Ulrika Jonsson – People of Britain, you’ve had so many chances to vote out Ulrika Jonsson over the last three weeks of Celebrity Big Brother, and the fact that you haven’t evicted her warms our heart so much. We suspect that, like us, you love watching Ulrika’s obvious anguish every time someone else is evicted ahead of her. She wants out of the Celebrity Big Brother house so bad, and you just won’t let her. So tonight, let’s keep Ulrika Jonsson in the house as long as possible. Deal? Good. Obviously when we say ‘as long as possible’ we mean ‘second place at best’. We can’t have Ulrika win Celebrity Big Brother, you understand. We don’t want to give her the wrong idea.
Verne Troyer – Verne Troyer had plenty of reasons to win Celebrity Big Brother from the get-go, because he’s disabled in a way that makes him amusing to look at, but this week Verne has gone above and beyond in his quest to win the show. He’s been shitfaced on boozed, cracked on to Michael Jackson‘s sister, sworn as angrily and as loudly as possible at every opportunity and, let’s not forget, he kissed a baby dolly with tongues. If Verne Troyer doesn’t win Celebrity Big Brother, we’ll eat our hat. And then we’ll eat your hat. And then we’ll probably do a very hatty poo.
Next week: Dancing On Bastard Ice.
Jacob says
Verne has lost celibrity big brother, that’s it never whatching it agian, the only thing worse that could happen is the urika wins, if so I’ll puke. Vernes is great, Urikas boring. end off