After a week of making a noise like a vaguely racist chainsaw, Jade Goody was evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house on Friday to discover that she was bigger news than the announcement that we're on the brink of actual nuclear Armageddon.
Jade Goody left the Celebrity Big Brother house to a deafening wall of audienceless silence, largely because the inevitable booing marking her departure would have knocked all the planet's satellites out of orbit and plunged Earth into a second Stone Age. From then on it was Celebrity Big Brother eviction business as usual; Jade Goody cried enough tears to single-handedly end the drought in Africa and Davina McCall embarked upon a breathtakingly inept exit interview which bizarrely saw her telling viewers "If you want to be a part of this summer's Big Brother…" as if people watching at home would see Jade sobbing and wailing and helplessly apologising for all the international diplomatic unease she'd caused and think "Yeah, that looks like fun, where's the application form?"
But now that Jade Goody has been evicted, Celebrity Big Brother can get back to being the bone-crushingly dull reality TV show we know and love, and that means that we've got another blistering set of Celebrity Big Brother betting odds for you. Here's part one of our Celebrity Big Brother betting odds to win – for Jack Tweed, Danielle Lloyd, Jo O'Meara and Ian Watkins – with help from Paddy Power…
Jack Tweed – Now that Jade Goody has traded life as a Celebrity Big Brother housemate for life as the scapegoat for all of society's problems, this leaves Jack Tweed in a tricky predicament. Since he's been inside the Celebrity Big Brother house, Jack has only said five words – almost half of them used to describe Shilpa as a "wanker" and a "cunt" – but they were all said to Jade. Now Jack is all alone on Celebrity Big Brother, there's every chance that he'll either shrivel up and die without anyone actually noticing, or he'll come out of his shell, show his real personality off and wank off all over someone else's leg for a change. Which of these is most likely? Who cares, it's not as if Jack stands a chance of winning Celebrity Big Brother, is it? Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 66/1
Danielle Lloyd – Lucky old Danielle Lloyd. Thanks to her not having a voice like twenty tectonic plates smashing into each other at a million miles and hour in an echo chamber, she managed to avoid the bulk of the Celebrity Big Brother racism row despite being about a billion times more racist-seeming than Jade Goody. Handily this hasn't gone unnoticed by the public, who now see Danielle Lloyd as the second-least favourite to win Celebrity Big Brother even though the big old racist flap has sort of died down now. What this means is that when Danielle Lloyd is eventually evicted from Celebrity Big Brother it'll be in front of a massive crowd. A massive booing crowd. A massive booing crowd of angry Indians holding burning effigies of Danielle Lloyd, if Endemol got our memo. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 50/1
Jo O'Meara – All of the above goes equally for Jo "Are all Indians thin because they're sick all the time?" O'Meara. During Celebrity Big Brother Jo has changed from a mardy old sourballs to a mardy old sourballs with a nifty side-career as a sneering racist sidekick. Jo O'Meara was conspicuously the only member of The Celebrity Big Brother Bitches Of Elstree (copyright every bloody newspaper ever) not to apologise to Shilpa Shetty for being a bit of an arsehole to her. On the plus side, Jo O'Meara seems to be completely oblivious to all the crap that's going on outside of the Celebrity Big Brother house to the extent that she's actually given a Diary Room speech about how proud she is of her time in the house. And we can always blame her behaviour on PMT – Jo is on the flow, as S Club 7 were so fond of telling us. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 50/1
Ian Watkins – Huh? There are people on Celebrity Big Brother apart from Shilpa and the bullies? Why weren't we informed of this? Taking a step back from all the tedious racism stuff, Ian Watkins has recently shown that there is another side to the Celebrity Big Brother house – a useless simpering side that genuinely couldn't be any more ineffectual if it was made out of dust. All Ian has managed to do during Celebrity Big Brother so far is to cuddle Shilpa now and again and drop a succession of deliberately obscure artist and playwright names into his conversation in a half-baked effort to show people that he isn't just that gurning twat out of Steps. It clearly hasn't worked, since the Celebrity Big Brother betting odds say that Ian Watkins is only fractionally more popular than Pointless Jack and The Racists. In fact, we're glad that last week's Celebrity Big Brother contained so much desperately awkward racism, just because we didn't have to look at Ian's prematurely wizened face as much as usual. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 9/1
Tomorrow – the second half of these Celebrity Big Brother betting odds. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Celebrity Big Brother betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.