Many of today’s ‘slebs employ massive entourages of big burly security men to protect them from the outside world.? Which is, of course, filled with vicious, drooling, semi-morons who care capable of doing anything from asking for an autograph to decapitation followed by a helping of necrophilia.
And today the world becomes a much scarier place for the world’s spotlight dwellers.
hecklerspray can reveal that Charlotte Church narrowly survived an attempt on her life.? Friends of the shouty welsh mum-of-two said Church was “lucky to be alive” after the lucky escape in her ?1.3million mansion.
The sneak attack was revealed by Church’s Grandfather, who we assume, is some sort of Welsh ninja, training in TomJonesitsufu and hiding in his coal mine lair munching on cheese and leek toasties.
Grandpop Church used his kung fu fighting with expert timing to suggest that Chruch’s persistant headaches were the result of Carbon Monoxide poisoning.? It was a little bit frightening.
A source close to Church said something about her house being really big and pretty while we daydreamed a bit more about kung-fu Granddad
“Charlotte was terrified when she found out what had been happening. Charlotte is probably lucky that the house is so big and airy.”
The culprit, identified by Granddad, was revealed to be some sort of new super villain called The Boiler. Information is sketchy about who The Boiler is and what his motives are. However, we can reveal that this is not the first time he has struck.
At some point last year the dastardly baddie was found to have launched a similar attack on Girl Aloud’s Nadine Coyle, who we think survived, even though we’ve not heard from her in a while. Coyle apparently had something similar at her big pretty house in California.
But whatever,? The Boiler is still on the loose, free to strike at more C-list ‘slebs as he chooses.
Who can stop this reign of evil? Who will be next? Is anyone with a once mediocre but now rapidly fading career in the public eye safe?
Stay tuned to hecklerspray for more ADVENTURES OF CHARLOTTE CHURCH’S GRANDDAD!!
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!
Tom J says
It’s a bit of a stretch to call Charlotte Church a “celebrity”. Can anyone actually remember why she’s famous? Wasn’t it something to do with being the fattest teenager on British TV?
Cookie Monster says
It’s the Star Whacker. Randy warned the world, but the world didn’t listen.