Hold a gun to most people's head and tell them to write a list of things they wish there were more of, and you'd get a varied response. Money? Maybe. Smiling commuters? Perhaps.
Bombastic, ridiculous unironic 1980s throwback heavy metal albums by the man who wrote Do Ya Think I'm Sexy for Rod Stewart featuring guest appearances from Brian May, Ted Nugent, Slash, John McEnroe and – God help us – Steven Seagal? Definitely. Which is just as well, because Ultimate Guitar Zeus by Carmine Appice Project is exactly that.
Calling an album Ultimate Guitar Zeus isn't something that most right-minded artists would even consider – maybe a handful of Shoreditch morons, but then they'd have their arseholey tongues lodged hard in their sucked-in cheeks while they did it. But Carmine Appice, ex member of Vanilla Fudge and Rod Stewart's band, very obviously isn't all that right-minded.
What Carmine has essentially done is cobble together the best tracks from his two previous Guitar Zeus albums and release them for the first time in Europe. And fans of utter, complete ridiculousness are urged to pay close attention. After all, if gathering all the widdly-wee guitarists in the world on one album and then letting an angry tennis player and Steven bloody Seagal sing all over it doesn't constitute an act of extreme weirdness, we're not sure what does.
Ultimate Guitar Zeus isn't the full-measure of indulgent fret-wankery that we half expected it to be; in fact, it's pretty varied. Of course there are dips in quality here and there; Days Are Nights (featuring Ted Nugent) is relentlessly lame, while the Brian May-heavy Nobody Knew is unprecedented in its stupidity. "Here we are in the year 2000/ looking through glass in our oxygen masks," it goes (no, it's 2006 and we're sitting on a comfy leatherette chair looking a laptop, you girl-haired tit).
But the high points of Ultimate Guitar Zeus are surprisingly high. Gonna Rain and Killin' Time sound like Nevermind outtakes, Where You Belong (the Slash song) is that rare beast – a wide-eyed, unironic stadium power ballad that somehow doesn't make us want to die inside. And, almost as if to spite us, the two best songs are the two that we were most looking forward to trashing.
Stash, featuring vocal talents from former tennis player and failed gameshow host John McEnroe, could have easily come from an early Red Hot Chili Peppers album, although maybe it helps that McEnroe's vocals are so treated that you can barely hear them. And Gz Blues, the song apparently featuring the vocal talents of Steven Seagal, is an instrumental. Result!
Let's get one thing straight – Ultimate Guitar Zeus isn't for fans of acoustic ballads. But if, say, you're planning on driving across America with the wind in your hair and a bottle of Jack Daniels nestled between your legs, then Ultimate Guitar Zeus might just be the record for you. If you can ask for it at the record shop with a straight face, that is.
And, yes, there is a heavy metal version of Do Ya Think I'm Sexy on it.
Order Ultimate Guitar Zeus by Carmine Appice Project from Amazon now
[story by Stuart Heritage]
Rigas says
Well, here it goes again with the guitarr Zeus project. The Best of for European fans.
Would not call unnecessary, but why the hell was the previous records not released in europe? Never mind actually, if ya wanted this record and longed for it I think you should by it. It is the best of anf there for excluding the not so god parts of the earlier records. Whitch actually had some not to interesting tracks. My only problem with the ultimate guitarr Zeus project is, first of all the bleeding name. It was silly the first times and is so still. Second: Who wants to hear about steven seagal and boris becker? I dont and thats the only disappointment of this album. The thing is, is this excusable? Yes it is, yes it is!
ultimate guitar says
I’ve heard it and i think it’s great