Calum Best: ‘It’s Not My Fault I’m A Dick’

You know, people can get addicted to the strangest things.

Hecklerspray once shared a flat with a girl who thought that mixing Diet Coke and milk together made for the most delicious drink in the world. And - a little closer to home - there are certain members of the 'spray office who can't quite kickstart the day without wolfing down eight packets of Space Raider crisps. And who can blame them? They are possibly the tastiest alien-based corn snack on the market.*

Calum Best, son of George (who was a bit of an alcoholic wife-beating thug, but he was jolly good at football, so that's okay), has only gone and gotten himself addicted to something much more disreputable. The 26-year-old model-slash-halfwit has announced that he is seeking help for his:

" … addiction to alcohol, drugs and prostitutes."

Calum - no doubt inbetween reading Proust's Guermantes Way, or whatever other scorchingly intellectual pursuits he enjoys - revealed that:

"I'm a bad boy. I go out and get drunk, I get high on cocaine and I do stupid debauched things with the wrong women. I don't have to be like Dad, but I feel his blood running through my veins. I need to sort out my problems before it's too late. I've got a problem. Sometimes I end up with one woman, other times two. That makes me sound so seedy, when I'm not. I don't want to be 45, out drinking, doing cocaine and with the wrong girls. I don't want to be a sad old man drowning my sorrows."

Of course, some people - horrible, nasty, cynical people - may say that this all sounds like hastily-conceived excuse-making for a man whose moral centre seems roughly about as prominent as his talent - i.e. about as distant and vague as a silent fart in the Alpha Centuri galaxy.

But no! They'd be wrong! Apparently it's perfectly acceptable to shirk responsibility on such matters!

Hey there! Do you have a few bad aspects to your personality? Don't you worry, kids - they're not your fault! They're an affliction! In fact, everything even slightly undesirable about yourself can now be officially marked down as a medical condition, and is therefore nothing to worry about in any way whatsoever.

Which comes as a bit of a relief to hecklerspray. Because - quite frankly - the thoughts we've been having about those two twins in the Big Brother house have been disturbing even us.

Read More:

Calum Best: 'I'm An Addict' - Metro

* We're still trying for that sponsorship. Or at least a free crate.