So, when this whole Brock Turner story came to my attention and started blowing up in the media I was like “Well, I have a lot of feeling about this whole thing, but I won’t blog about it because it isn’t exactly celebrity gossip.”
But then UsWeekly, who are 100% on the Kardashian’s payroll started religiously writing about it so I was like “fuck it, I’ll treat myself by blogging about something that doesn’t involve a celebrity break up or butt implants” (as if I don’t enjoy doing that).
Once I decided it was blogworthy just based on how much coverage its getting (and where that coverage is coming from), I had to stop myself again, because even though this is becoming an incredibly publicized sexual assault case, rape cases are in no fucking way funny, and I’m supposed to bring some form of humour to this blog, even though according to the comments section, some of you think I’m a disgruntled, black lesbian with an IQ of like 30. Which, I mean, not the worst insult.
But then I realized, even though what Brock Turner did is in no way funny, making fun of him and his existence feels good, and maybe we can all get some joy from this messed up situation by mocking this sad motherfucker who looks like the love child of Michael Cera and Don Knotts, but acts like he was raised by Paul Bernardo.
Now that Bob Ross, painting legend and all around God amongst men, is on Netflix, I’ve clearly been watching a FUCK TON of “Bob Ross: Beauty is Everywhere” because duh, why wouldn’t I be doing that? However, watching all this Bob Ross while also reading about the Brock Turner rape trial has really made me realize how unfair the world can be.
Brock Turner, a young man who was caught sexually assaulting an unconscious woman he had never met before behind a dumpster, got 6 months in prison for his crime, while the gentle, majestic soul that is Bob Ross died of cancer at the young age of 52. In this world, people don’t always get what they deserve, because if they did, Bob Ross would still be bringing the world joy with his paintings and Brock Turner would’ve just been a sad hand job.
I say sad because have you read the statement from this guy’s father? Anyone jerking him off would probably feel really sad about themselves.
I mean, Brock Turner’s dad LEGIT wrote a note trying to get him off with rape. When I was a kid I couldn’t even get my dad to write a note to get me out of gym class when I was on my period, which was a total crock. Or, should I say, a total Brock.
In all seriousness, Brock’s dad wrote about how this whole rape charge meant that his son couldn’t enjoy steak (I’m not fucking with you), and how his son’s life shouldn’t be ruined because he got “20 minutes of action)”.
If Brock Turner’s dad considers fingering an unconscious stranger behind a dumpster “getting some action”, I can’t help but wonder how Brock himself was conceived…or like, is his dad Oscar the Grouch?
Some of you might think it’s in poor taste for me to use humour in this situation, but I think we SHOULD make fun of guys like Brock Turner, because they’re fucking douche bag losers who molest women, again, BEHIND DUMPSTERS, run like little bitches when they get caught, then cry into their steaks when they might have to go to jail for said molestation.
In his defense, Brock did claim that he thought he victim was enjoying their liaison, and, I mean, maybe she did, because if there is one thing women love it’s being fingered by strange dudes, outside, in the middle of winter, behind garbage dumpsters, while unconscious. Yeah, that sounds like pleasure fucking central, Brock.
Larry charap says
Three asses. The judge Brock and his dad!