Being a pop star means you get all the perks known to man; you get to travel the world, have millions of fans lust after your every move – plus you don't really have to bother with court-appointed drug tests at any given time.
Britney Spears is learning that last one only too well. Yesterday Kevin Federline hauled Britney Spears back into court for what must now be the billionth time, all because Britney has apparently missed over half of the twice-weekly drug tests that she's been ordered to take as part of her ongoing custody battle. But of course Britney Spears missed the drug tests, her lawyers have argued, because Britney Spears is a pop star, and pop stars don't have the same phone number for very long plus they have to sleep in late all the time. That's pop star law, and if Britney Spears doesn't do that then she'll be sacked as a pop star, and faced with unemployment she'll go mad and shave her head and… oh.
You might think that Britney Spears isn't a very good pop star any more, because a) her albums now don't do as well as albums by funny-looking old men, b) her entire promotional tactic for albums involves groggy. semi-coherent radio interviews that she cuts short to take showers and c) she can't even mime one of her own songs without looking like a semi-melted obsolete Britney Spears robot with dying batteries any more.
But none of that matters because Britney Spears is still a pop star, and that intrinsically makes her better than you. For example, when Britney Spears gets her vagina out the whole world pays attention, but when you do it you're either ignored or met with the indifferent response of "Oh, a boy with a vagina. Weird." And when Britney Spears vomits after a night out she makes the news, whereas you just make a blur-faced millisecond appearance on a cable TV show called Faliraki Sluts Gone Wrong.
Crucially, as Britney Spears knows only too well, being a pop star also means you're expected to stay out late at night, sleep in until the middle of the day and change your phone number all the time so fans and reporters don't harass you 24/7. That's the job and nothing can change it, not even a judge ordering you to take all manner of random drug tests because he doesn't think you're a particularly good mother.
You see, Kevin Federline has called for yet another custody hearing, claiming that Britney Spears has only undergone six of the scheduled drug tests; but, as you may have guessed, Britney's lawyers say that she's only missing them because she's a pop star – so the officials can't phone her up because she never keeps the same number for very long, and also she's bound to be fast asleep if they call for her in the mornings because – once again – Britney Spears is a pop star and that's what pop stars do.
And when Commissioner Scott Gordon baulked at this last claim, suggesting that even he has to get up early in the mornings to go to work, Britney's lawyer Anne Kiley told him:
"You're not a pop star with a number one album."
Well, technically, neither's Britney, but that hardly matters because Gordon took control of the situation accordingly. Although she won't be further punished for skipping the drug tests, Gordon has asked that Britney Spears keeps one phone number for the drug testers to reach her on and stick to it no matter what.
And that was literally all Scott Gordon could do, aside from banning Britney from ever being a pop star again. Which we'd actually be sort of OK with, incidentally.
Hooker says
“c) she can’t even mime one of her own songs without looking like a semi-melted obsolete Britney Spears robot with dying batteries any more.”
You people are damaged. Wonderfully and beautifully damaged.