London. Not as romantic as Paris, or as exciting as New York, or plain-out barmy as Tokyo, or as stinky as Bangkok.
London. Where a trip on the tube leaves you with black nostrils, chronic B.O and the fear that the guy sitting opposite you is playing with his backpack a little bit too much.
London. The name of Britney Spears‘ unborn baby.
Of course, we blame the Beckhams. Yes, we know we pretty much blame
them for everything, from the way that Kit-Kats are wrapped to the way
we can’t quite afford one of those Sony robot dogs, but this time the blame is tangible.
We’re pretty sure that if they
hadn’t called their son Brooklyn – famously named after the place he
was conceived – then Britney Spears (CDs) wouldn’t have thought about London as a
name for her baby, if it turns out to be a boy.
"Isn’t London pretty?" Britney cooed to Elle magazine. It also just
happens to be the place that Spears and her husband Kevin Federline
started their romance.
There’s so much wrong with what she’s doing. Firstly, think of the
kid. It’s his first day at school. The teacher is taking the register.
"London Spears?" she would ask. "Here miss" the boy would answer,
oblivious to what’s about to unfold.
"London? That’s a very unusual name. Why are you called London?" the
teacher would then ask. "It’s the place where my Dad first dicked my
Mom," London would answer. And so begins 11 years of bullying. Face it,
naming your kid as a reminder of sex is both bleurgh and gree. It’s
made us think of our parents having sex, and now we feel a bit wrong.
Also, Britney’s a small-town redneck girl. She should know that
stars have a giant influence on what kids do. Surely it’s a matter of
time before all the council estate single mothers in this country start
to run with this whole ‘name it where it was conceived‘ trend. We’re
looking forward to meeting babies called things like Rollerdisco
Toilet, Playing Field and My Fourteenth Birthday Party.
Whatever sex the baby is – it’ll be called Addison Shye if it’s a
girl – we wish Britney and Kevin a safe delivery. And we’ll be forever
relieved that they didn’t meet in Titty Ho.
Read more:
Britney: ‘I’ll call my baby London’ – Channel 4
[story by Stuart Heritage]
Mum says
I heard it was going to be Starkeisha, rather.