Hey kids, don't bother trying hard at school; it turns out that the quickest way to financial success is to knock up a borderline-deluded superstar a couple of times – just ask Kevin Federline.
As we've told you every day since pretty much the dawn of man, Kevin Federline and Britney Spears are currently fighting for custody of their two children. If she didn't act so crazy, Britney would have been the obvious choice for custody because a) she's the mother, b) the father is Kevin Federline, a man who looks like he still needs to use children's safety scissors and c) she's loaded. Even though she does keep acting crazy, though, the last point still stands true. But if Britney Spears wanted to exploit that by riding the custody battle out until Kevin Federline runs out of money and gives up, she's in for a shock – Britney Spears has been ordered to pay for Kevin Federline's legal bills as well as her own.
It's never been in doubt that Britney Spears is a special mother. After all, it takes a certain calibre of person to call your children accidents in public, endanger their lives by driving with them perched on your lap and then have a full-scale head-shaving meltdown that sees you end up babbling about being the Antichrist in rehab.
But just to reinforce that point, the judge presiding over the interminable custody fight between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline has ruled that Britney Spears now has to pay the legal bills for Kevin Federline as well as herself. And now that she's effectively funding the world's biggest negative publicity campaign against herself and paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to have her children torn from her forever, that has to make Britney Spears the specialest mother ever.
Because, as much of a loving father as Kevin Federline is, he's also a workshy sod and a hopeless rapper to boot. As court documents from last week show, it took all of last year for Kevin Federline to make what Britney Spears earns in a month. And that's a month of nothing but listless idleness too – now that Britney has an album out that figure could skyrocket. Meanwhile Kevin Federline has to live off the $3,000 he got in royalties from PopoZao, whatever money he's got left from that Super Bowl insurance advert and all the handouts he gets from Britney. How's a hustler supposed to piece together an effective legal strategy on a shoestring like that?
The short answer is that he isn't – now that it's become apparent that Kevin Federline can't afford his lawyers it's down to Britney Spears to cough up the outstanding $120,000. Commissioner Scott M. Gordon wrote in his ruling that:
"Even if a party has the ability to pay his or her own fees, a disparity in the parties' respective circumstances may itself demonstrate relative 'need.'"
But if Britney Spears is now paying to try and keep her children and paying for Kevin Federline to take her children away from her, doesn't she get any sort of say in the matter? If we were Britney Spears we'd only agree to pay Kevin Federline's legal bill so long as he promised to sack his current lawyer and instead employ someone who'd be less likely to paint Britney Spears as a terrible mother in court.
True, even a blind Albanian orphan with learning disabilities and no grasp of the American legal system whatsoever would have trouble painting Britney Spears as anything other than a terrible mother but, hey, it's probably still worth a shot anyway, right?
Shiver says
Edit: True, even a blind Albanian orphan with learning disabilities and no grasp of the American legal system whatsoever [who spoke a billion year old dead language understood by no one on this planet] would have trouble painting Britney Spears as anything other than a terrible mother but, hey, it’s probably still worth a shot anyway, right?
But perhaps that’s too much of a run-on sentence?
This is not right says
You know, I’d never put my kids on my lap in the car, never marry a worthless piece of crap like K-Trash, never go out and party with babies at home, AND YET what has happened here is criminal and I deeply empathize with Britney. K-Trash and his scumbag lawyer are exploiting her immaturity and severe depression for their own profit. It has nothing to do with “protecting the kids”. K-Trash is trash. He’s sleeping with the Colin Farrel Sex Tape disgusting skank who’s already made money from the British tabloids by making up stories about Britney, he goes out and parties as much as Britney, there are videos of him smoking pot on the Internet and a tap of Shar Jackson admitting he sold pot in Fresno- but no drug testing for him, and no parental monitoring for him. He gives his kids to a nanny and everyone says, “Oh, what a wonderful father”, while Britney tries to take care of them herself even though she’s too mentally ill right now to do a good job, and yet we burn her at the stake for needing help.