That's it, we quit.
From here on out, you'll all have to find your own entertainment news. It's been through grit teeth and buckets of tears that we've been able to carry on even this long.
Think about it – who sifted through the Michael Jackson kiddie trial to bring you the juiciest tidbits? hecklerspray. Who brought you the intricate details when Paris Hilton pissed in a taxi, or when Scott Stapp and Kid Rock had their own sex tape? hecklerspray – that's who. And with little to no regard to our mental state, we've fully immersed ourselves in the goriest details, too.
And now the chiefest of our faculties have been pushed clean out our gourd, because Britney Spears is posing nude for a magazine cover. hecklerspray can't take anymore. As we lie here beneath our desks shaking violently in the foetal, will someone please send for our mother? And tell her to hurry – 'cause this is probably the big 'un.
Do you have your bucket ready? Bring it closer… yeah, that's it. Britney Spears has posed naked for a cover of Harper's Bazaar magazine – now lean into the bucket and release. That's it. You've got a bit on your lip there, yeah, right there. Now to put a positive non-throw up spin on things, K-Fed never wandered in front of the clothing-optional camera.
Now Brits is in the buff for the cover and the inside spread for the August issue of Bazaar, but in the pics she is hand-covering those areas most likely to catch a chill. Plus she's six months bloated with baby. Plus she's way out of her prime. Plus she's got fungus – seriously. Justin Timberlake once left a disgusting detailed description of Spears' 12 different kinds of secret fungi on our answering machine. We're pretty sure it was Timberlake anyway. It's so funny, he sounded just like our Pakistani doctor, who we'd coincidentally only visited the day before with our itching woes and weird reddening. He was all "put cream on that immediately, I mean it!" and "please, I'm begging you, let the scabs congeal". And people thought Lance Bass was the joker!
Getting back to business – people are comparing this pregnant celebrity photo shoot to a 1991 Vanity Fair issue in which Demi Moore posed nude whilst pregnant with Ashton Kutcher. That's the name of her first kid, right? Isn't it? Someone over at Harper's Bazaar said something real nice about Spears. They said that the princess of pop:
"was never more beautiful [than when she posed for the mag, and] it was the first time it had printed a nude photo on its cover.”
That's a step in the right direction Harper's Bazaar magazine! Now your next directive should be to wrap each individual copy in an opaque plastic envelope and sell them out of European newsstands. We're pretty sure Larry Flint wrote a 'Dehumanisation for Dummies' book, it'll show you how to get a foothold.
[story by Shawn Lindseth]