Welcome to The Future. The Brave New World. Eternal Peace And Harmony And Free Unicorns For Everyone.
Or – depending on your political views – to The Future. The Destruction Of Our Beloved Old World. Eternal War And Sadness And Free Colonic Irrigations With Powdered Glass For Everyone.
Yes, the country has voted. But because everybody hates Labour, and loves the Liberal Democrats (but not enough to actually, you know, vote for them) we now have to endure a week of politicians gurning on our tellies like meth-fed Toby Jugs.
Also this week: several other hopelessly hopeful people have thrown themselves before the public, crying out for a bit of love (or at least bland-faced indifference). How could we possible connect the two?
Well, here we are at Week four of the Britain’s Got Talent auditions, when members of the public try to get themselves in front of a dry-as-dust, saggy-breasted queen.
And then, after a positive judgement from Simon Cowell, to fight for a chance to show their act off to the head of our nation.
Recognising the last week’s largest news story, we have decided to represent each of the most outstanding contestants on Britain’s Got Talent as political party leaders. If this is successful we’ll continue it every week, which leaves us salivating at the thought of comparing ruling Filipino leader Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo to an elderly man dancing – topless and nipple-tassled – to Lady Gaga‘s Telephone after next Saturday’s show.
And hey, Senator Benigno Aquino III: this time next week, all anyone will remember you for is being the political equivalent of a middle-aged woman who has somehow brutalised her dog into dancing on its hind legs whenever it hears the song So Macho as performed by Sinitta.
And now, if you can still recall what it’s all about, here we go:
Nick Griffin: Universally despised, and receiving votes just from a couple of clueless bollockheads.
Must be Othelio. Making what was quite possibly the worst sound imaginable that isn’t Janet Street-Porter doing a Yoko Ono song at a karaoke contest, this man-and-wife duo performed their own composition.
Cowell was unimpressed. With his eyeballs spinning madly around, he looked like a pinball machine having an orgasm. Piers Morgan and Amanda Holden dribbled some gibberish about giving them a second chance, like a pair of rebellious teenagers trying to piss off daddy Cowell.
They’re through. Huzzah.
Nick Clegg: Gained huge public appreciation early on, as they made the kinds of sounds people’s brains like to hear. Failed at the end, as everyone realised that – despite initial appearances – they were actually a bunch talent-limited chancers who couldn’t organise a brewery-tour in a brewery.
That’ll be Myztikal. Initial impressions were good: not just another Diversity-like urban-dance group, they also had a pretty young lady with a pretty little voice.
Then one of the guys started rapping, and he was fairly good, too.
And then… for some completely unfathomable reason, this group of urban youngsters with at least one capable singer on board decided they should finish their act with Wonderwall as it would be sung by an 80-year-old who’d taken half of a sleeping tablet.
Even AntnDec looked slightly saddened by the turn of events. Don’t forget, these are guys who could muster a cheeky grin while watching an otter being slapped by a Nazi.
They got a second chance. Here’s a tip for you, Myztikal: next time, stick with the Jay-Z and the Rihanna, and stay way clear of finishing your act with Lady In Red by Chris deBurgh.
Gordon Brown: The past-his-prime Scot just refuses to accept that he would be better off leaving the field to other, younger contenders. And a large proportion of the public agree with him.
That’s Janey Cutler, the octogenarian Scottish lady who looks like Zelda but sings like… well, like an 80-year-old belting out songs from her youth in the local Working Men’s Club, to be honest. But that’s fine: the audience were quite clearly just impressed that she made it through the whole thing without collapsing into a little pile on the stage.
Simon Cowell loved her so much that he gave her…
…three thousand and three yes’s.
Amanda Holden’s emotion circuitry nearly exploded as it tried to comprehend the awesome cuteness of this lovable old lady.
And we’re almost certain Piers Morgan was trying to express an opinion about Janey, but unfortunately we just heard the sound of a bird’s turd landing in a bowl of trifle.
David Cameron: Started off looking rather sinister, as we all tried to repress memories of Margaret Thatcher. But rapidly became slightly more popular with the public, with his policies and his promises and his slightly over-inflated face.
That has to be The Chippendoubles, who came onto the stage as a septet of chanting monks, and left it as a septet of barely-dressed celebrity lookalikes.
Everybody loved them, including Cowell – who had his own double on the stage – and us, who didn’t. Cowell wondered how they could make their act different next time. Hint to Chippendoubles: call us.
Not to give too much away, but we have an idea involving the Cowell double, the David Beckham double, a gimpsuit and a goat.
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googy says
Oh fuck off paul. Nobody likes a smart ass.
Tommy says
Good comments. Somebody just had to say it the way it is.