Here we were at last: Britain’s Got Talent finals night.
Ooh, the excitement. Would it be Janey Cutler, the Scottish Zelda? Or Tobias Mead, the kerrrazzyy backwards dancer?
Maybe this was the year for someone with real, actual entertaining talent to win; someone like impressionist Paul Burling?
Whatever. We were just happy – ecstatic, actually – that this year’s BGT final wouldn’t be tarnished by insufferable posh kids The Arrangement (name of their violin player? Lara Le Cort De Billo).
Firstly, let’s deal with lovable Scottish geriatric Janey Cutler. She’d glammed herself up for the big night. With her best nail polish on, and wearing a sparkly black dress accompanied by an enormous red flowery… thing, she looked every inch the Las Vegas-ready superstar.
Sadly, the voice wasn’t quite at that level. Singing some dreadful 1940s dirge, Janey Cutler managed to single-handedly reduce an entire nation to weeping wrecks, curled up on their sofas like oversized foetuses. Seriously, watching Janey Cutler’s performance made us feel like we were at the funeral for the last remaining pair of pandas in the entire world – whose deaths we had somehow been directly responsible for – and Janey Cutler was shouting Planet Earth’s pain and fury directly into our face.
Secondly, Tobias Mead. We don’t know why it’s so creepy to see a man dancing with his back to the audience and a humanoid mask on the back of his head, but it really is. Only Amanda Holden seemed anything less than vaguely uneasy during his performance; no doubt her neural circuitry was attempting to compute the most efficient use of limb motors to replicate his dancing.
One idea, though, Tobias Mead: you’ve gone to all the trouble of wearing the mask, and getting the suit made; would it be too much trouble to buy two pairs of trainers, cut them in half and stick the front ends together? You’re welcome, Tobias Mead.
Next: Paul Burling. Well, this didn’t work out well, did it, Paul Burling? What the hell happened to you? Being Harry Hill was a great idea, giving your act a theme and a realistic reason why Ross Kemp and Alan Carr‘s voices would suddenly come from your mouth.
Impressionists need that reason, otherwise all the audience gets is a bald bloke telling mildly amusing gags in the voices of random celebrities.
But for the final, his big chance, Paul Burling absolutely baffled us by singing a boring, plodding song (500 miles by The Proclaimers) in a variety of famous voices, each appearing without any kind of reason. To make it worse, Paul Burling threw in his Del Boy and Uncle Albert impressions, which must have had the older generation chuckling but which weren’t likely to set youngsters’ thumbs to texting.
You disappointed us, Paul Burling. We still think you’re funny, though, and good luck with your career.
Lastly, the winners of BGT 2010: oh lordy, another dance group. We haven’t been kind to Spelbound. But, where Paul Burling let us down at the critical moment, Spelbound did the reverse and actually made us like them. Somewhat.
Yes, their act is as camp as Graham Norton‘s tent, but throwing a boy over the judges heads, and using two other kids as human skipping ropes, were pretty inspired.
Simon Cowell seemed to be most impressed by the lithe, semi-naked bodies performing in front of (and above) him. We think Piers Morgan liked Spelbound, too, but tragically we couldn’t make out a word he said. All we could hear, as his Beavis-like lower jaw flopped around uselessly, was the sound of a snail licking Angel Delight from a frog’s armpit.
So, well done, Spelbound. And well done too to you, good British folk, who have stuck with us through this year’s BGT adventure. It’s been fun.
Let’s meet up again next year: same time, same place.
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Charlotte Stark says
Your such a hateful critic…Janey Cutler did awesome…To be 80 yrs young and sing as great as she did at her age.. Your to narrow minded..Broaden your view..There are always a variety of talent which makes the world a better place…There was nothing wrong with the choice of her songs..1940’s? A very good era…Funeral? It’s critic’s like you who enjoy producing misery…Even if you make 80 you will probably be chewing on your tongue…Get a life!
Paul gibson says
Hey there. This is just a quick message to say that Paul Gibson has been murdered. Sorry Stuart….