Well, it's official.? I now know what it's like to be a minority.? I'm one of the scarcest organisms on the planet.? I'm a guy who didn't bat-shit himself over the Dark Knight movies.
Maybe if you're 14 years old, and this is the only Batman you've ever known, you can be excused for falling in love with Christopher Nolan?s take on the iconic superhero.? But I'm not 14.? Or 15.? Or 16.? Hey, no more hints about my age here–I don't like where this is going.? Let's just say I knew the masked manhunter when he didn't have to be ?dark? to be cool, and he always had his trusty sidekick by his side.? I want my Batman & Robin back.
The thing you gotta remember about Batman is he's been around since 19-freaking-39. I mean, Hitler was a thing. So while some slight changes to his look are to be expected, the decades-old core of his legend should never be F?ed with.? And yet it has.? From making his suit all black (where?s the yellow utility belt?) to the bogus altered origin of Two-Face in The Dark Knight, too many liberties have been taken with the caped crusader’s rock solid backstory.? But the most egregious offense of them all?? The absolute absence of homoerotic undertones between Batman and Robin.
I mean, these last three movies didn't even have the kid in them!? Christian Bale reportedly told Warner Brothers ? in a laughable gravelly voice and right after he rudely cursed out a lighting technician ? that he would’nt don the cape?if he had to share any screen time with a costumed Robin.? Holy ego trips!??This is Robin we're talking about here!? A vital part of the Batman mythos since the first issue of Batman in 1940 (yes, sadly, Hitler was still a thing).? Robin?s real name is Dick Grayson.? His trapeze artist parents were killed by a gangster.? That, and only that, is the story of Robin.? But somehow The Dark Knight Rises features Joseph Gordon-Levitt playing a young cop named John Blake, who then in the closing moments of the film, is revealed to have the legal name of Robin.? Bullshit, Nolan.
Folks, let's not run from the dynamic duo?s decades-old history of homoeroticism just to make a few quick bucks and satisfy the ego of a moody actor.? If you want a brilliant detective who works alone, go with Hercule Poirot or, uh, Jessica Fletcher.? But damn it, as sure as Gotham City needs Batman, Batman needs Robin.? And as sure as Batman needs Robin, I need to be oddly unsure as to whether or not they're fucking?in the Batcave.
I mean, what?re the odds that a repressed loner schizo like Bruce Wayne could resist the daily temptation of a young, athletic, teenage boy in short shorts whose name is Dick?!? I know myself, even as a straight man, would struggle mightily with that delicious dilemma.? And that's?precisely the struggle I demand to?see on the silver screen.? Sure, Batman has to fight off the Joker and the Riddler and other baddies, but he also needs to fight off the urges to molest his prot?g?.
On the bright side, rumor has it Nathan Lane is going to play the lead in the next film, Brokeback Batman (working title), and that’s a step in the right direction.? But if there’s not a chipper, scantily clad tween by his side, then sorry folks, my Batman boycott will continue.
Blackhwaaak24 says
So you didn’t Like one of if not the greatest movie trilogy of all time simply because they didn’t include homosexual undertones that the character has never had, there’s nothing wrong with being gay, however since the beginning batman has always been straight (Talia, Catwoman, Vicki Vale). Batman and Robin was an artistic atrocity and to think that Batman and Robin are lovers is the same, not because of homosexuality but rather because Batman took Robin in as a father figure, a sexual relationship would be equivilent to Jerry Sandusky’s. So please keep your sick fantasies to yourself and appreciate fine art.