Bob Dylan is 70 years old today. That’s quite impressive for a man who has sounded, and looked 70 years old since 1962. Really. He owns a voice that sounds older than coal. He’ll be having his little birthday party today, with his little party hat on and cake shaped like a racing car, surrounded by whooping chums while he sits glumly in the middle of it all.
We wouldn’t want him to enjoy himself too much now, would we?
Of course, Grumpy Bob is just one of the many characters he’s made for himself over the years. He’s been Electric Bob, Folkie Bob, Born Again Christian Bob, Gypsy Bob and, unbelievably, for a brief moment, Rapper Bob. So who is he these days?
We all know that Bobby Zimmerman is one of the most drily sarcastic pop stars we’ve ever had. He’s prone to giving evasive answers in interviews and generally taking the Michael out of anyone who tries to penetrate his psyche, which of course, every simpleton Dylanite tries to do on a daily basis.
His biggest prank is that everyone believed him to be a sincere artist, despite the fact he clearly created characters for himself like Bowie.
“All I can do is be me, whoever that is.”
He started off as a Mini Woodie Guthrie, with his little cap, harmonica and battered guitar. Pretty much everyone bought it, although friends of his note that he was very quick to turn himself into a folk singer, stealing everyone’s records when he went ’round their houses. He passed of the hobo minstrel thing and somehow, quite bafflingly for a man with such an uncommercial voice, became a superstar.
A generation of stoners and wastrels kinda liked what he was saying, despite not being able to work out what it was he was actually getting at, and decided to have him as their king. He was the voice of their generation, even though you suspect that Dylan didn’t exactly know what it was he was saying at all. Lest we forget, he was but a kid and still trying to work himself out at this point.
And of course, he enjoyed the trappings that came with fame and got his fair share of women and drugs – which isn’t exactly the life of a poet minstrel. Not that Dylan would care.
Then, it was obvious that Dylan tired of hanging around with worthy folkies and plugged-in. He decided to play “fuckin’ loud”, which prompted Aran sweater wearing trad.arrseholes to cry all over their socialist pamphlets as Dylan started to make ‘pop music’.
Of course, Dylan wasn’t making pop music. Listen to the frenetic lyrics of ‘Subterranean Homesick Blues’, it isn’t exactly a ‘Boy Meets Girl’ song is it? The charts were still dominated by ballads and paeans to being lovelorn, while Dylan was singing from his nostrils and at times, seemingly reading from a bunch of cryptic crossword clues.
And for those that stuck by Dylan through the electric years, they’d have to hold tight as the singer went about dropping more masks to reveal more characters. Country Gent Bob appeared briefly, completely changing the way he sang for tracks like ‘Lay Lady Lay’ and his duet with Johnny Cash. He somehow mixed Folk Bob, Electric Bob and Country Gent Bob for the Desire LP.
All the while, never revealing himself – something that a supposed protest singer is supposed to do. Dylan may have stuck his neck out creatively, but he always had more creations to fall back on and, perhaps, hide behind.
Eventually, this paved the way for Born Again Dylan and… well… Bad 80s Dylan. That’s right, Bad 80s RAPPING Dylan, who appeared on Kurtis Blow’s LP, providing his nasal twang atop a clunking drum machine. As awful as it sounds, you can’t knock him for trying to push himself in new directions, but this writer suspects that he’s probably did it to annoy his fans.
See, the only constant thing in Dylan’s career is his willingness to grate those that love him. It seems that he’s determined not only to challenge his devotees, but to kill his previous incarnation so comprehensively that followers will actually turn on him.
It’s actually impressive how little regard he has for the people who buy his records. With each Dylan Death comes a rebirth and now, on his 70th birthday, we hope he’s planning on killing Croaky Olde Timey Bob and rebirthing himself all over again.
But to what? Dubstep Bob? Heavy Metal Bob? GaGa Pop Bob? No-one knows. No-one ever successfully second-guessed Dylan because he’s too obtuse. But while his chums chew cake and pop corks around him today, we can only hope that he’s hatching some dastardly scheme where he ends up irritating everyone with a sleight of hand so sneaky that we barely notice that he’s spelled out “I Hate You All” with a skywriter. When he releases a new album, we turn to it, not noticing the huge billboard he’s erected behind us all which features Dylan showing us all his arse.
It’s brilliant.
All that is left to do is to wish a miserable birthday to the biggest liar of them all and to imagine a world where he covers Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’, just to really grind everyone’s gears…
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tuulikki borgman says
He does not deserve any gratulations
Cookie Monster says
Great post, Mof; really quite interesting.
Ugh, now I have to go wash my mouth with soap.
Hey, tuulikki, everyone is entitled to the expression of an opinion without fear of ridicule about being a mental invalid. You, I’m afraid, constitute the exception that proves that particular rule.
Ahh, that feels better.
john l. says
Belive it or not Zimmerman’s next project was to be promoting a concert tour of Madonna and Bruce Springstein (Born in the USA). Apparently he had requested
that Maddona and Springstein engage in onstage simulated sex. Springstein was
repulsed at the idea and so it was dropped. Zimmerman further requested that he play
guitar in the backup band in disquise but both Madonna and Springstein Balked at this.
“If he gets near anthing that even resembles a musical intrument I’m outta here”, Madonna was quoted as saying. But the financial backing was (is) there. So far Dylan
has committed to 27 million. Other backers include Amy Goodman of Democracy Now fame, and the estate of Billy Sol Estes. Old freind Buffy Saint Marie is in for 5K.