Billie Piper has done so many things that we'll never get to do – she's had hit singles, performed Shakespeare and done things to Chris Evans' genitals that don't bear thinking about.
But there's one thing that Billie Piper will never be, and that's a bigshot Hollywood actress. And the sad thing is it's all her fault. Or, to be more specific, it's the fault of her boobies.
Because she went topless in a TV show about a filthy whore, Billie Piper now fears that she's ruined her chances of being an A-list movie star. Or as she puts it, “What A-list stars get their tits out?” Well, looking at recent Oscar-winning actresses, Helen Mirren, Reese Witherspoon, Hilary Swank, Charlize Theron, Nicole Kidman and Halle Berry all do. But don't tell any of that to Billie – we don't want her to get any ideas.
Billie Piper has won plaudits for her role as Belle De Jour in the ITV2 TV show Secret Diary of A Callgirl, because it's hands-down the most accurate portrayal of a hooker in TV history.
We all know that prostitutes are all incredibly wealthy, talk with a plummy accent, regularly throw their heads back and roar with laughter about what a brilliant job they've got and only get sad and reflective about fucking lonely men for cash in the form of interminable montages set to Dido songs two thirds through each episode, right?
Good. And because Billie Piper has done such a convincing job of pretending to be a whore on a painfully vacuous late night TV show on a station that hardly anyone watches she's being fast-tracked into the bigtime.
Or at least she would be, except now Billie Piper is having a huge crisis of confidence because she thinks that her prostitute show is so raunchy that it's scuppered her chances of acting in the movies already. According to Now:
"Someone said the other day, rather viciously: 'What A-list stars get their tits out?'" she tells The Sun. "And then I started thinking: “Oh, my God, what have I done? I’ve ruined my future career.'"
Well, quite. Hollywood is a very old-fashioned town, and if anything's true here it's that movie producers never give roles to pretty young actresses who look like they're quite free and easy with the blowjobs.
Of course, if starring in Secret Diary Of A Callgirl has wrecked Billie Piper's chances of becoming a big movie star, then it won't be because of its sexual content. No, it'll be because she made a TV show that's based on a blog. Specifically a blog that isn't hecklerspray.
Now, if Billie Piper had starred in The Secret Life Of Someone Who Works For Hecklerspray, and spent each episode sitting around listlessly cleaning out her ears with the end of a biro and generally being quite socially awkward, it'd be a different story altogether. But it's too late now. Especially since that restraining order means we're not allowed to send her scripts any more.
rantersparadise says
She’s so sad.She’s so overrated.What is WRONG with us?!!(The British)