Beyonce is, no doubt, about to fill her Facebook with pictures of her baby despite the fact it has no hair, can’t talk, is probably doing a shit right now and essentially, is like every other baby on Earth. New parents are ghastly aren’t they?
Worse still, is that people are constantly asking people how ‘baby’ is before launching into high-pitched squeaking and saying things like “Amoojieboobieboo? Schmookibaba? BABA? Boogliewoogiedoo? Awopbopaloobop alopbamboom!“
So now, Beyonce has given her first interview about Blue Ivy Carter (who recently became the youngest person to hit the Billboard chart apparently… we’re not sure… didn’t Stevie Wonder have a baby on Isn’t She Lovely?) and she won’t stop going on about it. She even talks about Jay Z being covered in faecal matter.
Speaking to Star magazine, Bey admitted:
“Nothing can describe the feeling. You have the instant connection once you know your child is growing inside you, but when you hold it for the first time, the words can't be found”
The words can’t be found eh? Won’t stop you releasing some awful, saccharine ballad about it all, will it?
When asked about J-Hova, Beyonce said:
“He would not have missed it for anything. He is a very protective and loyal guy by nature. He is a very protective husband, and since we found out I was pregnant I have seen the protective father in him. He is not only an inspirational artist, he is an inspirational husband. I know the next step on his journey is going to be being an inspirational father.”
Jesus Christ! Have you heard yourself? It sounds like Beyonce swallowed a self-help tape during labour! And apparently, Jay won’t be boxfresh, brushing his shoulder for long. He’s going to be up to his famous neck in dung.
“He will change diapers, of course he will. He is going to be a very hands-on father. He has already said publicly that providing isn't love. Love is being there. Love is doing the little things for your child.”
And, of course, not saying ‘bitch’ in songs. Still, if you’re not annoying feminists, you’re annoying hospital goers, right? Beyonce added:
“Security was very tight but not just for the sake of it. It was for the security of our daughter ? that was always the most important thing and everybody involved made it such a safe and smooth process. As usual, certain things have been made up or exaggerated but that seemed to be the story of the pregnancy.”
LIKE A COLLAPSING STOMACH PERHAPS?
Either way, Beyonce is going to have to work twice-as-hard to bring back Sasha Fierce because, as well you know, new parents are nothing more than dewy-eyed, sentimental radishes, blushing at each skidmark and steady-vomit from their gurgling little berks.
We’ve lost her, haven’t we?
Joel Jones-Nelson says
Your a son of a bitch. Like really? This post was so unnecessary. No wonder your a broke ass columnist while Bey and Jay keep making money to provide adequately for their child.
Me says
I can tell by your article that you don’t like reporting on beyonce so why do they have you doing it.. I came on her to read about beyonce not about how sarcastic you can be.. I mean really get over yourself or don’t report on her..give someone else this job
aROB says
Whoever wrote this is a ass. But Congrats to Jay and Beyonce.
musicmakesmesing says
YOU sound bitter my dear……….. ARE YOU CHILE BARREN? cant think of otha reasons 4 yo rant *shrugs*
Si Sharp says
I used to be chile barren, but now i’m a paraguay fertile guy. Sorry.
BOSS says
I started reading like ugh what an ass. But by the end I got you. Lol you’re a hot mess my dear. As a self-proclaimed stan of Beyonce going around from blog to blog gettin the girls together about the best thing to happen to entertainment since Michael Jackson, I can say your heckler spray is just that. I ain’t mad atcha. Btw… this “interview” was clearly fraudulent. Beyonce… BEYONCE would give an interview to STAR? About her baby?? LOLOL she wouldn’t even give them an interview about her favorite nail polish
Mojo89 says
Peeps are gonna say I’m jealous, whatever! maybe I am but I find beyonce and jay effing annoying. Don’t get me wrong they make great music, beyonce is hot and jay z is the coolest, lol. But they are so high and mighty,so far up their own arse oles they make me wanna puke. And what’s all this kiss ass with Michelle, Barack obama!? Politics is politics, keep the celebs away, their friendship if only feeding beyonce/ jay z’s ego’s. And in regards to beyonce song ‘we run the world” everyone secretly knows beyonce is trying to say ‘I run the world’. I agree with this article, though I feel the journalist has released this on some beyonce fan base judging by he comments. Beyonce if you wanna show a pic,of your baby show a freeing pic, not just a pic of his toe. It’s not like anyone’s hasn’t seen a baby before, only you called yours blue!??