When?hecklerspray heard the news that Victoria and David Beckham were reportedly coming back to the UK,? we all got into the bath in our sticky bedsit and tried to drown each other.
When that didn’t work we even tried to self harm with the jaggy?edge off our pot noodle sauce sachet but sadly that failed too and now we’re forced to apply plasters to our hurty bits and find a way to live with this awful news.
So far we’re pretty much sitting in stunned silence which is only broken by the sound of our editor screaming “OH CHRIST! OH?JESUS CHRIST NO!!!” like Edward Woodward when his sedatives have worn off.
Apparently they’ve enrolled their kids in school over here already?and are set to return when David finishes up his contract with LA Galaxy.
A source said:
‘They love Los Angeles and will always have a base there. But David’s contract will run out soon and they’ve started thinking about the future. He’s keen to finish his career at an English club if possible, though he hasn’t ruled out other options.’
The source also yawned:
‘Victoria is torn because she’s made so many friends in California and loves the lifestyle, but she misses her family in the UK a lot.’
That’s just selfish really.
She’s also planning to give her kid’s a ‘normal’ education, far away from all the disgustingly?spoiled American children like Justin Bieber. How is she planning to do this? – she’s putting them into a private boys school in England which is no doubt full of spoiled British children who are just as annoyingly pretentious ?but slightly pastier.
Great plan preggers.
This isn’t over yet.
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Sooz Mac says
Justin Bieber isn’t a “disgustingly spoiled American child”. He’s a grating, nauseating, bratty CANADIAN spawn of Satan. I know they’re all as bad as each other, and there aren’t enough sew-on Maple Leaf patches in the universe to remove the tar from that brush, but I guess we should do the Yanks the favour of at least removing him from their guilt sheet….
Joanna Banana says
Ah, yes I would like to apologise publicly for saying that Bieber is American. Although, don’t be hard on me – Canada is the real villain here.
Cookie Monster says
I am exhausted from apologizing for the wee Canuck. I do hope the he emigrates to the country of Not Here. Maybe Brainy Becks and Tits McPosh can adopt him and bring him to Zee Motherland; surely his soon-to-be biological parents have been harassed to the point of pre-natally disowning him (one step short of a post-natal abortion).
Say, did he ever get out of that hotel room in Liverpool? Don’t worry, Biebs, mumma Spice and dada Bendit are on on their way!