Here in the hecklerspray bedsit, we’re often told off for using inappropriate words to describe the girls’ genitalia. In fact, there was a time that Matthew Laidlow had to spend three weeks hooked up to a catheter after asking Joanna Bolouri?if he could cop a feel of her “pouch”. After that, Editor Mof came up with some severe guidelines on sexual?harassment?and the bedsit hasn’t been the same since.
The real question is, how do you refer to your genitals? It’s not because we have any real interest in knowing, you understand. We just want to focus on what’s important in this column. We want to focus on the real issues of the day and do that we need to know what you ladies call your vagina.
Okay, we’ll admit it. We don’t know, nor do we want to know.
After all, what you call your genitals is no business of ours, right? We don’t care that you named your breasts Babs & Windsor after the busty star of ‘Carry On… Whatever’ and we definitely don’t care that you named your vibrator Simon because you have a worrying crush on Simon Cowell that you’ll never admit to in public.
It’s none of our business.
We also definitely don’t care about your hygiene but fans of using Spotify for free will have noticed that it does. Not only does Spotify care about every single one of the things we’ve just mentioned, so does Miranda Hart. Miranda Hart. Come on, you know the one. She has that sitcom where she pretends to be a bumbling fool who gets into wacky, yet mundane situations to the basic mirth of a few Guardian-reading snobs who prefer to be told what they’re allowed to like.
Of course, we know there are two passionate schools of thought on Miranda Hart and her show. People either seem to love it or hate it so, in the interest of balance…
…Miranda Hart! Come on! You know her! She’s wonderful! She does the show Miranda where she preys on her own insecurities to write a wonderfully fun and heartwarming comedy of errors. She was in Hyperdrive as well- it was surprisingly good.
There. Balance. Here at hecklerspray we don’t feel passionately enough either way about Miranda Hart, her show, or all of the comedy awards she’s won to bother making this all about her. That being said, what do you reckon Miranda Hart calls her vagina?
It’s a shower gel that’s designed with the sole intention of making sure your bits stay fresh. Isn’t that nice? Nice and fresh. There’s nothing better than keeping your fandango fresh. Fandango. Fannnnndango. A fandango is a dance performed in triple-time. That implies a really quick in-and-out of the ol’ fandango. It doesn’t imply any pleasure, does it?
Who’s actually calling their vagina their “fandango” anyway? It’s a word that has been altered into the Scottish vernacular as ‘fan-dan’ which means ‘fanny’ which, in turn, means that someone’s being a bit of a berk. It’s not something that we can imagine anyone actually describing their sexual organs as. It’s also the name of a Lucasarts point-and-click adventure game entitled ‘Grim Fandango‘.
The characters in Grim Fandango are all skeletons. Essentially what we’re saying is that- in the bedsit at least- anyone calling their vagina a ‘fandango’ will instantly make us think of a grim skeleton and no-one wants to have their vagina compared to Kate Moss like that, do they?
Also, at no point does Miranda ever refer to it as “yer fanny” in a voice dirtier than a Pirate’s lunchbox so we suppose that’s something. It’s the little miracles that keep us going…
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Cookie Monster says
Personally, how I tend to refer to my genitals involves a combination of gesticulating madly and sprinting (protip: unexpected changes of speed and direction do wonders for the escape ratio). However, being male, it could be argued that I refer to my genitals by maintaining a pulse, with consciousness being valued, though optional, for both me and any unfortunate bystanders.
I have not observed many women following the same practices. Odd bunch, them women.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0ee4wqZvf8