Avatar, right? Two and a half hours of some big smurfs dicking about in an enchanted forest, right? Right?
Who’d want to see that? Who’d want to see Michelle Rodriguez and that bloke who’s in everything even though he’s not very good twonking around through a pair of uncomfortable 3D glasses that make you want to vomit everywhere? Two and a half hours of that and then Leona Lewis comes along to punish you with a sodding power ballad at the end. Avatar is going to be crap.
Except maybe it isn’t. A bunch of people have already seen Avatar. And apparently it’s quite good. We’ve never been so disappointed.
Remember when everyone said that Avatar was going to be the future of cinema? They said that it’d be such a game-changer that, in the future, all films would be about giant blue aliens who look a bit like Abraham Lincoln running through the woods and making berries sparkle, or whatever the hell it is that’s supposed to happen in Avatar. Plus all films would be in 3D. And all films would take 15 years to make. And all films would have to feature Sigourney Weaver as a wisecracking scientist. That’s how much of a game-changer Avatar was going to be.
And then the Avatar trailer was released. And it was awful. The aliens looked like Delgo. The animation looked like a bad PS3 game. One of the female aliens had tits, for no biological reason other than the fact that tits look quite nice. It smelt like beads and patchouli oil and dreamcatchers. It was going to be the worst film ever made.
But now, since it’s being released this time next week, people have finally been able to watch Avatar all the way through. And, as hard as it is to imagine, it turns out that Avatar is actually somewhere between the most important film in history and the worst film ever made, just like Titanic and Zulu and Caddyshack and Tremors and everything that Jessica Alba has ever been in, except for Good Luck Chuck which actually is the worst film ever made. Turns out that Avatar is just a quite good film. But don’t take our word for it – because we haven’t seen it – instead, here’s what the experts think:
Stephen Shaefer, Boston Herald:
As ?Avatar? ran, the crowd laughed at the jokes, applauded briefly for an action sequence and gave a thunderous, prolonged ovation at the end.
Kirk Honeycutt, The Hollywood Reporter:
As commander-in-chief of an army of visual-effects technicians… he brings science-fiction movies into the 21st century with the jaw-dropping wonder that is “Avatar.” … The only question is: How will Cameron ever top this?
Todd McCarthy, Variety:
The King of the World sets his sights on creating another world entirely in “Avatar,” and it’s very much a place worth visiting. James Cameron’s long-gestating epic pitting Earthly despoilers against a forest-dwelling alien race delivers unique spectacle, breathtaking sights, narrative excitement and an overarching anti-imperialist, back-to-nature theme.
Mark Brown, The Guardian:
The film does not make you feel sick and it is not a disaster.
So, based on these early reviews, will you go and see Avatar? We’re still unsure. That’s partly because Avatar would have to be brilliant to convince us to spend nearly three hours watching an alien that looks like he’s been carved out of Blu-Tack reveal that the humans were the monsters all along, and partly because if we go and see it and it’s good, we’ll have nothing to take the piss out of. It’s not worth the risk.