Avatar: Not As Crappy As It Looks, Apparently

Avatar, Avatar review, Avatar preview, James CameronAvatar, right? Two and a half hours of some big smurfs dicking about in an enchanted forest, right? Right?

Who’d want to see that? Who’d want to see Michelle Rodriguez and that bloke who’s in everything even though he’s not very good twonking around through a pair of uncomfortable 3D glasses that make you want to vomit everywhere? Two and a half hours of that and then Leona Lewis comes along to punish you with a sodding power ballad at the end. Avatar is going to be crap.

Except maybe it isn’t. A bunch of people have already seen Avatar. And apparently it’s quite good. We’ve never been so disappointed.

Remember when everyone said that Avatar was going to be the future of cinema? They said that it’d be such a game-changer that, in the future, all films would be about giant blue aliens who look a bit like Abraham Lincoln running through the woods and making berries sparkle, or whatever the hell it is that’s supposed to happen in Avatar. Plus all films would be in 3D. And all films would take 15 years to make. And all films would have to feature Sigourney Weaver as a wisecracking scientist. That’s how much of a game-changer Avatar was going to be.

And then the Avatar trailer was released. And it was awful. The aliens looked like Delgo. The animation looked like a bad PS3 game. One of the female aliens had tits, for no biological reason other than the fact that tits look quite nice. It smelt like beads and patchouli oil and dreamcatchers. It was going to be the worst film ever made.

But now, since it’s being released this time next week, people have finally been able to watch Avatar all the way through. And, as hard as it is to imagine, it turns out that Avatar is actually somewhere between the most important film in history and the worst film ever made, just like Titanic and Zulu and Caddyshack and Tremors and everything that Jessica Alba has ever been in, except for Good Luck Chuck which actually is the worst film ever made. Turns out that Avatar is just a quite good film. But don’t take our word for it – because we haven’t seen it – instead, here’s what the experts think:

Stephen Shaefer, Boston Herald:

As ?Avatar? ran, the crowd laughed at the jokes, applauded briefly for an action sequence and gave a thunderous, prolonged ovation at the end.

Kirk Honeycutt, The Hollywood Reporter:

As commander-in-chief of an army of visual-effects technicians… he brings science-fiction movies into the 21st century with the jaw-dropping wonder that is “Avatar.” … The only question is: How will Cameron ever top this?

Todd McCarthy, Variety:

The King of the World sets his sights on creating another world entirely in “Avatar,” and it’s very much a place worth visiting. James Cameron’s long-gestating epic pitting Earthly despoilers against a forest-dwelling alien race delivers unique spectacle, breathtaking sights, narrative excitement and an overarching anti-imperialist, back-to-nature theme.

Mark Brown, The Guardian:

The film does not make you feel sick and it is not a disaster.

So, based on these early reviews, will you go and see Avatar? We’re still unsure. That’s partly because Avatar would have to be brilliant to convince us to spend nearly three hours watching an alien that looks like he’s been carved out of Blu-Tack reveal that the humans were the monsters all along, and partly because if we go and see it and it’s good, we’ll have nothing to take the piss out of. It’s not worth the risk.

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  1. shooty* says

    To be fair, it looked so impossibly, awfully sh1te, that pretty much anything has got to be better than what we all expected.

    To see it, or not to see it…

  2. JoeMomma says

    Right, like Hollywood didn’t pay for those ‘positive’ reviews. It’s gonna suck balls. From the TWO previews I’ve seen this is what I’ve figured…

    1) Magical smurfs live in a magical kingdom.
    2) Humans can transport there somehow and live the life of a magical blue smurf
    3) Big bad military finds out and want to steal their magic/resources/women or find Bin Laden
    4) Humans help magical smurfs battle evil human military (Grrr)
    5) Something happens, Magic wins, Evil Military has an epiphany
    6) The end.

  3. Sunny says

    JoeMomma you’ve likely nailed it.

    That said, I will, I MUST go see it! I do hope there are lovely sparkly cerulean unicorns with fluffy feathery wings for the blue people to fly off into the sunset at the end.

    Would make it perfect.

  4. says

    When I saw the trailer, I was like, “nah, thanks.” But some positive reviews have been cropping up so perhaps, if my husband would be persistent enough, I’d go and watch it.
    – Kaith

  5. Cj says

    So Avatar premiered in the UK first, just like the other maligned even before the release film , Fantastic Mr. Fox (Oh hey, they’re both from Fox). Both had dreadful, dull-colored tone trailer.
    Here’s my prediction: Avatar will have the inverse critical and commercial result of Fantastic Mr. Fox.
    FMF – old-fashioned animation, low-budget, less-hyped, incredible dialogues, Brit musician for theme (Jarvis Cocker) hated by the Brits, loved in the US; financial failure
    Avatar – uber advanced CG, unbelievable budget, ultra-hyped, cheesy lines ever, Brit artist for theme (Leona Lewis), will be loved by Brits, will be hated by Americans; blockbuster

  6. shooty* says

    To be honest, i’ll probably be presented with the choice of THIS, or New Moon.

    I’ll probably duck both and take my son to see Planet 51.

  7. Milf Stalker says

    If you don’t like the style of the movie, then “DON’T F U C K I N G WATCH IT!” I saw the trailer last year and I told myself to watch it once it is released. Hardcore gamers are bound to watch this movie,either they like it or not cuz CG movies is like an art;painstakingly drawn polygons by polygons. Peace out!

  8. JoeMomma says

    I counter your bolt of lame with the nunchuck of reality

    *poof* you’re in your parents basment!

  9. jack olds says

    Hollywood payed for the good reviews? Riiiiiiiiiiight! Why do people keep comparing the aliens to smurfs? Last time I checked smurfs werent 10 feet tall.

  10. says

    I can’t wait for the flood of Avatar parodies in comedy shows, Epic Movie-style abominofranchises and poorly-lit webcam close-ups of face-painted randoms on the internet.

    and by ‘can’t wait’, I mean ‘am installing a nearly new Swiss suicide machine I got on eBay and sitting with my thumb poised over the button in readiness’.

  11. shooty* says

    I’m a fairly hardcore gamer (but I don’t wear nappies when I play or any of that sh1t, and do leave the house to, like, work and go out for beer, so perhaps not THAT hardcore). I find the idea that gamers will go to see if just to judge the graphics insulting: if people want to ooooh and aaaah over graphics, they’ll play a game. Far more fun. Watching a 2 hour long cut scene? No thanks.

    Besides which, you’re missing the point, which is: “Cameron, what the FVCK were you thinking, spunking all that money on something so obviously cack?”

  12. tahlia mclister says

    it is the most fantastic movie in the world. it is soo touching i almost cried & i was sooo happy i almost screamed at the happy parts. i didnt feel sick at all except for the parts when i thought the two main characters were going to die but yah. it absolutally awsome that if they make a second one then i want to be in it. they might not cuse of how much it costs but they might get there one day… = ] AVATAR IS FANTASTIC. i want to be an Avatar. if i got a chance to be one i would take it no mater WHAT. they are friggen awsome creatures. I also like the creatures & the plants that glow at night. also the ground which glows were ever you step on it. it wont go to the bottom of the pile at the rewards. its gonna be number 1. i soo wish i could go in the next one if there is one… = ]